"thanks"

That's all I got. I guess I should have never shown it to you at all. It seemed pointless. I mean, I would have just kept it to myself if I knew it didn't mean anything. I just wanted to tell you how I felt, but it seemed like it didn't really seem to affect you? I wanted you to know how much you mean to me, I needed you to know that so that maybe when you leave tomorrow, you won't be as worried. I don't know. Maybe I'm just upset because I spilled my heart out to you and all I got was one word in return. I probably shouldn't be frustrated about this, but I guess I can't help it. If anything, I guess I'm more confused, kinda worried? I guess I just wanted to know how you felt about me, about us. Maybe he doesn't feel the same why, maybe thats why he didn't say anything back. I just want your feedback. I mean, if I were in his situation, I'd be speechless too at first, but I wouldn't just say thanks. Asdgkjdgh okay well I'm done venting, goodnight blogspot.

the start of something new.

It's winter break right now, yesterday was Christmas. Crazy right? This year has gone by sooo fast. Despite all the downfalls, I'd have to say this has been my best year so far. I've gotten closer to old friends from middle school, made new ones, made a million more memories with the two girls I trust the most and last but not least, I found love<3

Nasty & Fluffy:
I love you two sooo much, you're the best friends I could ever ask for. I know we fight sometimes, but in the end we know it's stupid. Thanks for being there for me :) I'm still here for you guys, no matter how far you guys are. I really hope we stay close after we graduate because I don't know I'd do without you guys. We've had so many memories that I had to make a post-it wall to keep track, lol. Well anyways, I don't want to write too much so I'll leave it at that. I love my bfabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzfl (:

Jaysizzlack:
Oh boyfriend (: There's so much I could say about you, but I'll keep this short. I love you more than you'll ever know. I know you can be pretty weird sometimes. Scratch that last sentence. I mean even though you're weird all the time, you can still make me smile. I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you. I'll make it up to you. We've had a lot of memories that I'll never forget. Especially our cheek kisses & the day we fell in love (: Just know that you're the only one I want to be with, and that my heart is all yours<3

I don't think I made a new years resolution for 2009? But I guess I shall make a to do list for 2010, I hope I can complete the list.

- graduate
- get license/car
- trip to canada
- go on a summer vacation somewhere with jason
- get another job
- lose the double chin. HAHAHA
- benchpress 90 lbs
- eat space cakes
- get at least one scholarship
- keep contact w/ nasty&fluffy when college comes
- stay together w/ jason
- go to the cheesecake factory&red lobster w/ jason
- i'll add more later.

jpda<3

Have you ever had that one person stuck on your mind like all day that you can't stop thinking about no matter what. Well I'm at that point. I just can't stop thinking about him once he leaves my sight. I'm sitting in my room right now and all I could think about was what he said to me last night. He told me how beautiful I was, and how much he loves me and how he wanted to get old together. I wasn't sure if he meant it or not because he was drunk. Normally he wouldn't say anything like that to me while sober, but I don't know. It made me really happy, I literally couldn't stop smiling. Thank goodness it was dark because my smile was starting to look really ugly. I love it when he holds me really close because I like knowing I'm his one & only. I think it's really cute when he calls me babe, baby, or love. I don't know why, it's just a name. Whenever we're in public, I always make sure to hold his hand, or do something to make sure people know he's unavailable. I want the world to know he's mine. Also, if I'm attached to him at the store, creepers won't talk to me, so he's like my body guard. I love falling asleep together every night on the phone because it's the closing thing to sleeping with him. I love how he's willing to pick me up anywhere, anytime, everyday. Whenever somethings wrong, I know I can vent to him no matter what the situation is. I love the way he says "I love you." He looks really hott when we have sex, he's amazing in bed. Okay enough with that. I'm watching 500 days of summer all by myself. I like the movie, but it makes me think about him even more. Old memories we had together keep going through my head. When we first started going out, he wrote this blog and said " I realized the more I get to know/see her, the more and more I like her." That made my heart melt. I remember when we first kissed on the lips, and when we said our first "I love you." Falling in love with him has probably been the scariest, yet best feeling I've ever felt. I've never been this happy with someone before. " My happiest moments weren't complete if you weren't by my side." I trust him with my heart more than anything. I'm scared that I'll lose him. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's like that one person that you know you're meant to be with. Honestly, I can't picture myself with anyone else but him. I've never met a guy with qualities that he has. Everyone wants to find " the one, " but I think I already found him.  I could be wrong because I'm only 17. But this type of feeling doesn't come around very often. I'm hoping it'll last for a long time.

Don't leave me...

Thanksgiving Break.

I had a good Thanksgiving Break (: It was nice sleeping in & spending time with my friends. It's about time we get a break from school. Work was a bummer, but me & lester made pretty good tips! Although I barely spent time with my parents. I didn't even have dinner with them, they were working and we ended up going to my auntie's house to eat. That same night, everyone met up @aeron's and we were ready for shopping (; The parking was seriously getting ridiculous & the lines were just never ending. We sat in front of H&M for about 3 hours (first in line) waiting for it to open. Surprisingly, I wasn't tired the whole two days. I didn't spend as much because my card got declined =/ but that's okay, because I needed that money to buy my boyfriends christmas present. I'm almost done getting my best friends & families gifts. I am going to have to work my ass off these upcoming weeks ... ugh. Buuuut, it'll be worth it. I only bought a couple of things for myself because I wanted to spend my money "wisely" and use the money for gifts. I also went to the donut house this weekend. omg (: it was delicious<3 ha, wow I'm a fatty. Speaking of that, I really should workout. Soon my boyfriend's going to be embarrassed to be seen with me because I'll be so fat. But anyways, the only downfall this weekend was my parents annoying me. Otherwise, I hope everyone else had a good weekend. Now back to school .... FUCK.

it's all going by so fast.

Wow. I never realized how fast my high school years have gone by. Everyone's turning into adults now and filling out their applications to colleges. Soon we're all going our separate ways. I went to Ver's birthday party last night, and it just came to my mind that it'll probably be my last year going to his annual birthday party at his house. I've been attending his parties since the eighth grade, and now he's 18?! damn. So much has changed since then, I remember when we used to be best friends. I can honestly say some friendships really don't last forever. I can't say I don't miss it, but we're both to blame. I've been in and out of friendships too many times, that sometimes I'm scared of getting close to people, because I know they're going to leave. The people I was surrounded by me last night were the same people that's been with me throughout my 4 years in high school. Just knowing I won't see them everyday is just a weird feeling. I'm really going to miss everyone once graduation hits. I'm scared of what's going to happen next. I don't even know what I want to do in life. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my future. I'm just now learning what it's like to have a job & saving up money. Holidays are coming up & I need to make this the best. I finally don't have an excuse why I shouldn't buy my family, best friends, boyfriend, and friends good presents this year. I want to buy them something with MY money. Knowing that I spent hours, week after week, working for that money, and being able to spoil that money for the ones I love, must feel good. Using my money to get things for other people has made me appreciate how much money my parents, boyfriend, and bff's spend on me. I never realized how much I ask for. Thanksgiving is coming up, and I'm definitely thankful for everything God has done for me. There's lots of things I'm thankful for, but I'll just leave it at this.

homecoming 2009 update.

- Homecoming was last weekend & sad to say it was "okay."
- The dance had crappy music & the fire alarm went off.
- Our football team won the game 28-14, yay (:
- My hair & make-up was a disaster.
- Everything wasn't organized.
- Sleepover was a fail.
- Power went out at nicole's house.
- But the good thing was that nicole's mom made amazing food!
- My feet hurt :(


Lame ...

" i wanna love you better "

" Baby it breaks my heart
To think that loving me is not easy to do
And I don't mean to make it hard
Sorry for all the changes I put you through
And it's hard to believe
After everything you're still here right beside me
Wouldn't trade you for this whole world
Thankful just being your girl "

We've been arguing for the past week, it's becoming a habit now. The sad thing is that its mostly my fault, actually I lied. It's all my fault. I need to change. I can't just let this slip away like I did in the past, I need to do something for once. Not just for the sake of our relationship, but for him. I can't give up on us, on him. I need to get out of my old habits and start thinking about someone else rather than myself. I've been really selfish lately, and I hate myself for the way I've been treating him. I've reached to the point where he's starting to blame himself for my mistakes. I can honestly say "It's not you, it's me." He puts so much effort into this relationship and gives his all, but I give nothing back. I know he'd never believe this if I told this to him, but he's the most amazing guy that I've ever been with, each day I fall more in love with him. A million words couldn't describe how happy he makes me. I wish I could do the same for him, I wish I could make him as happy as he makes me. I'm really starting to hate myself. I'm contemplating on whether or not to just let this go. That's never been my option, but I can't keep hurting him like this. I don't know what to do make this better. I've never been in a situation, or relationship like this before. I'm so lost ... and scared. I'm so used to running away from my troubles, but now I need to face them. I really want to be a better girlfriend, but what if I fail? I can't let him down. I'm scared of losing him. I love him too much to let him go. God please help me?

pumpkin & cream cheese muffin.

Well, I just wanted to do a quick update. It's finally Homecoming week & I do have a date (: Jason customized m&m's saying " homecoming & i love you " on them, I thought it was adorable. Time is passing by so fast, I've been so unprepared with the upcoming events. Senioritis is kicking in, no lie. My senior year hasn't been exactly how I pictured it, but maybe it's just me, I'm just not as spirited as I used to be. I've been really busy lately since I have a job now @Kevin's Sushi & Grill. I don't exactly like the job all that much, but I really need the money. I hate always relying on Jason to buy everything for me, I want to be able to do the same back for him. It makes me really happy knowing I worked for that money & being able to satisfy someone back. As much as I don't like the job, I try telling myself " I'm doing this for him, so it'll be worth it in the end. " I hate managing my time with school, work, boyfriend, and friends ... it sucks. In the end, there's always something that goes wrong.

So I was sitting in parker hall today for leadership, and I saw a poster with a bunch of stars with numbers on it, I looked closer and those were how many days till graduation. Wow. I know it's only October, but the year is already going by super fast. I can't believe I'm a senior. It's weird. I put my ipod on shuffle today and the graduation song by vitamin c just happened to come on. The lyrics are so true. A lot of my friends have been filling out their applications for colleges, and it's sad knowing my friends are going to leave me in just a matter of months. I still haven't decided what I want to do in life. I kind of want to do something in women's health & journalism., but I'm not really sure. I hope everything works out in the end, I'm really worried. I should probably get to sleep, I have school tomorrow. Well goodnight !

(I don't really like this blog, the flow sucks, I shall edit this next time)

200<3

As of today, Jason & I, have officially been together for 200 days. I'm sure the countdown thingy will keep changing the amount as the days go by, but frankly I'm pretty shocked. 200 days? that's a long time. Well, we've liked each other for about 230 or more days, so technically it could have been longer, but that's okay. These 200 days with him have been the best 200 days of my life (: I don't mean to sound corny, but to be honest, being with him has made me a much more happier person than I was before. Lately we've both been busy with school & work, so we don't see each other as much as we used to. Maybe that's a good thing? Maybe it's a sign or something? All relationships have ups & downs, maybe this is something we need to work on. Maybe we need to learn how to manage our time with school/jobs and still be able to make this relationship work. I'm determined to stay together, despite whatever gets in the way. I think being apart is kind of a good thing because every time I see him after a long time, it kinda feels like I haven't seen him for weeks, so when I do get to see him, I'm ten times more happier. I mean sometimes it sucks whenever he's not around. I hate seeing other couples together at school knowing I can't be the girl that he walks to class anymore, but there's really nothing I can do about that. Sometimes I feel like we barely talk anymore just because I can't talk on the phone or text him as much as I used to. I mean lately we've barely talked on the phone at night because I'm tired from school & I have to wake up the next morning, so I need sleep. It's pretty pathetic that I do miss him, even though I see him every other day. But I guess that's the problem with me, I need to make sure I can still be a strong person with or without him. I can't always rely on him (even though I do 99.9% of the time.) I hope we stay together even though we can't see each other as much. I hope things don't change between us. I hope that the 200 days could turn into a thousand +more.

i think i'm going to ramble on about a bunch of random stuff that pops into my mind.

The last time I wrote a blog, I couldn't control myself, or well my emotions. Things have been a lot better since then, thanks to a special someone (: speaking of that boy .... I spent the night at his house last night, it was really fun, if you know what I mean (; lol. anyways, I think our relationship is pretty good for 6 months. I mean yeah there will be an argument every once in awhile, but other than that, I've been really happy. Each day I feel like our love has been getting stronger. Here's this quote that I like that reminds me of us.

"Although our relationship has taken many beatings, the patience we have with one another is amazing. Communication is the key. Trust is essential. Love requires unconditional understanding. We must purposely forget our luggage in the baggage claim in order for us to live in the present and grow into our future. So many steps to take but the directions are simple. Being in love is easy but the hard part is working to keep it. Never force, suffocate, or grasp love; it will slip through your fingers like sand. And even if our fights are dumb as fuck, the greatest part about love is that if you got it good, you can overcome anything. "

Anyways, school has started. Honestly, it's not that exciting as I thought it'd be. It feels weird coming back as a senior, knowing this is my last year in high school. It's so weird seeing how much things have changed. It kinda sucks seeing the construction workers tear down all my memories I've made my past 3 years at the school. It may have been shitty, but it was like my home. I'm not going to come back to the school reminiscing on old memories, I'd be coming back lost & confused; just like my first day of school as a freshman. As a senior, I don't even know where all my classes are by heart. I feel like a freshman again. But, I know as time goes by, I'll figure things out. Graduating is my first priority. Having fun is definitely my second. My goal is to make this the best year of my high school life. I've decided to forget all the summer drama and ignore what other people have to say about me. I'm not going to waste my time on unnecessary people in my life.

Well .... I'm going to watch the VMA's. Goodnight (:

" no matter what happens, i'm going to be there hold your hand through everything, i promise. "

I haven't written in awhile, well at least it feels like it's been awhile for me. I don't really know why I write on here because I know people won't read it. Probably because I choose not to expose myself, or well my feelings to the world. There's just certain things that I like to keep to myself sometimes. Like today. No one knows what I'm talking about except me and Jason. I won't explain the situation, but I just need to get these emotions out of my head before I start to breakdown again. I'm scared to death. I don't know what to do with myself, with us, with "it"? I'm praying to God, hoping he'll choose the best thing for me, for us. I'm trying not to blame myself for the situation I'm in right now, but it's kind of hard not to. Just thinking about throwing away not only my hopes & dreams away, but his too, just breaks me heart, and knowing I'd be the biggest disappointment to my friends and family just kills me. I'm not capable of living my life with this. This is something I'll forever regret. Fuck. I hate this. I hate being given choices that all seem to suck. Oh no... It's coming back. I can't hold it in anymore. Tears are pouring out my eyes as I'm writing this. The possibilities of what could happen are endless. I'm hoping for just one outcome. Please God, help us? I can't let the one I love sacrifice his life for me. I can't let him go, I refuse to, and I damn sure won't be the one leaving him. I couldn't do that to him. I love him so much that I'd rather go through the hardships alone, rather than watch him put his life on the line. I wish there was an easy way out. I hope everything will be okay. I hope I'll do the right thing. I hope there's still a happy ending.

the talking circle.

Lately I've been having a lot of deep talks with Jason for the past nights. That's one of my favorite things that I love about our relationship, we're just so comfortable with each other that we could tell each other everything and anything. Everyday I find new things that I love about him. I thought I knew what it felt like to be truly in love, but as I look back, I just had a heart full of mistakes, lust & lies. There's so many things that I wish I could take back from the past, I just wish I could of realized things a lot sooner, then maybe I wouldn't be as weak as I am now. As i look back on my past relationships, none of them could come close to the one I'm in right now. things are just so amazing, like I can't even explain it. I mean, I would never picture this happening after all that's happened these past few months. You taught me how to be a stronger person & you’ve shown me how a relationship is supposed to be. I'm no longer cautious of what I do, because you're the type of guy to accept me, for me; not who you want me to be. I know you don't think you're special, but you are to me. I look forward to every conversation we have and every moment I’m with you. We’ve had a few conversations about the future, whether we're being sarcastic or serious, that makes me so determined to know what we have could really last. It means a lot to me knowing you'd even consider me being in your future. I'm not trying to rush things with our relationship, but it'd be really cool if those future plans really did happen. But for now, let's just keep things the way they are because right now we have a really good thing going, I can't afford to lose what we have. Losing you would be one of the hardest things I'd have to go through. So hopefully that won't be happening anytime soon. I really do love you so much. I know I ask a lot from you when I shouldn't, but just know I'm in this relationship because of you, not because of what's in your wallet. I've never been treated so well by a guy until I had you. I know you don't think you spoil me, but in my eyes you do. I don't care if you don't buy me much, because I'm happy with the love you give me. That's all that really matters. Well, I'm tired of blogging. Maybe I'll add more to this later. Kbye(:

" what if i told you i love you too ?"

Sooo much has happened within the past week. Things that I wish I could forget, things that I wish I haven't said, and feelings that I want to forever feel. I guess you could say I've been through a roller coaster of emotions. I'll skip the bad and start with the good. Well, Jason said " I love you " to me for his first time. I was sooo surprised & relieved at the same time because I felt the exact same way. At that moment, I couldn't stop smiling, it's as if my face was permanently stuck like that or something. I couldn't be any happier, I haven't felt like this in a really long time. I forgot what it felt like to be loved. gahjklasfd(: I can't even explain how I feel right now. All I know is that I'm seriously in love with this boy. He's definitely changed since the last time I wrote about him. Now he's everything that I've been waiting for. There isn't one thing that I'd want to change about him now. I feel horrible for what I said before, but everything happens for a reason right? I mean, this is the " serious-ness " that I was looking for, this is the feeling that I want to feel. You wanted me to be happy right? Well you got what you wanted and I hope you're happy too? I know we had a rough start, but we made it through together, I wouldn't want it any other way. I mean, I know it's kind of weird saying " I love you " since it's been such a long time, so it's kind of awkward saying it, but I'm sure we'll get used to it like everything else. Anyways, that's all I wanted to say, I just needed to let this out because it's all that's been on my mind for the past few days.

girlFRIEND.

When it comes to times like these, I just want to feel loved sometimes or well, in my case, "liked." Sometimes I feel like things haven't changed, as if we were the best of friends again, we've just changed the title. I want to feel special, I want to feel like I'm his girlfriend, not one of his dudes. I want to be more than that. Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate everything he does for me, but there's more to a relationship other than spending. It's about two people having feelings for each other and expressing how they feel to each other. We've talked about this before. I thought I'd handle it fine and just get over it, but I guess not. I feel SO selfish for saying that. It's weird because I don't even know why he wants to be with me, I don't even know what he likes about me. It's sad that I only know the things that he dislikes about me. It sucks sometimes because I try so hard to impress him, and he wouldn't notice. So I mean why even try anymore if it's useless to get my boyfriend's attention. I'd probably have to show more skin for it to work. He tells me that he likes me a lot, but not once have I ever heard him say what it was about me that he liked, minus certain body parts. I'm not trying to sound cocky by asking him to flatter me. I just want our relationship to have some compassion. I wasn't looking for a short hit it and quit it relationship, I want a long serious relationship with him. It's weird because he has so many personalities, it's either really funny or really serious. Sometimes I get tired of joking around too much. I don't like to put an attitude towards him whenever he bugs me, I'd just rather not argue with him for the way he acts. I don't want to change him, but I'm tired of feeling this way sometimes. Maybe I'm just being selfish again. But is it wrong to feel this way? Am I the only one who notices this? I mean, I know with his past relationship this is something she had to deal with, and she got used to it for over 2 years. So am I just being a bitch? It's been almost five months. I'm the type of girl that expresses her feelings, but I can't even tell my own boyfriend in person or even on the phone of how much I like him or what I like about him without feeling weird or awkward. I don't know. But it's whatever, I need to get some fucking sleep.

" show me the way to surrender my heart, boy i'm so lost "

i've been meaning to write for a long time, it's just that i haven't been home long enough to do it. i'm not a fast writer, i like to take my time. but anyways, my fourth of july was really good actually. the weather was amazing, and being with my friends & boyfriend was theee best to say the least. today i watched jason's basketball game, unfortunately they lost by 10 points. after the game we got some food at this cute diner & then went to the mall again. damn, i love being with him, whether i'm just sitting in the car with him or just laying around doing nothing, i'm just ... so happy being with him. i wish he knew how much he means to me. i wish he knew how happy me makes me. i wish he knew how much i like him. i wish i could prove him wrong. i feel so stupid not knowing what to do or say to him. when it comes to this subject, i guess my mind goes blank whenever he's around. it's kind of weird because i could go on writing so much about him, but when we're together, i can't say a word. fuck. here i go talking about him again. i can't help it though sometimes. lately he's all that's been on my mind. it scares me sometimes because i'm afraid of repeating my past mistakes. i had a sleepover with nasty & fluffy a few days ago. they were already at fluffy's house by the time i got there, but i can tell from the moment i walked in, they weren't in a good mood. it took me awhile to think of why they'd be mad. eventually i asked nancy, she told me jeanine was mad at me because i'm always with jason. i couldn't deny it because i knew it was true. they didn't know what was going on between me and jason. so they don't understand why i've been with him everyday these past few weeks. i'm scared that if i'm not with jason, he'll get worried again. he still doesn't trust me enough to let me off on my own. who knows how long it'll take till i gain back his trust again. but if that means not spending time with my best friends until then, i don't know if i could do that. i just wish he'd believe me, so this wouldn't be a hassle. not only am i worrying about losing his trust, but my best friends too? i hate having to choose sides. it's like a win&lose situation. no matter what i choose, i'm letting someone down in the end. or just myself. i can't bare to have that happen again. my best friends mean to world to me, and having them be disappointed in me, is probably one of the worst feelings i could ever feel. but also having my boyfriend not believing in me, is a pretty big downfall. this pretty much sucks. i don't want to have to choose. i don't think this is one of those situations where i should choose one. i'm not about to let someone down again. i'd rather let myself down, rather than them. i'm hoping i could manage both so that i don't have to choose sides. i hope i'm improving just a little bit? i hope i'm gaining at least some trust back?

fuck.

I haven't blogged in awhile. I guess I'm doing this to get things off my mind, so maybe this tension will subside .. but I doubt it. So much has been going through my head. Fuck. I don't think I've ever hated myself this much before. If I could have anything right now, I'd want to turn back time. I'd want to prevent all this bullshit. I'd want to stop myself from being just so stupid & selfish. I hate knowing that everyday I'm hurting him. And the sad thing is, I brought this upon myself, but I deserve all the pain. But what I don't deserve is a guy like him. I really do think that a lot. I don't deserve to be with a guy that cares about me so much, and have me put him through this? I don't deserve his forgiveness. Although I do want him to forgive me, I just don't think I deserve to. I've already done enough to him. He doesn't deserve someone like that. Someone like me. I'm not saying I want to lose him. That's the last thing on my mind. I'm praying that won't happen. But I'm pretty damn close to that happening though. I'm on thin ice right now. He told me other people thought he should have broken up with me. I was so surprised with his decision, and what he had to tell me. I figured he would have gone with what others would tell him. For the first time, I finally knew I meant something to him. " Sharon, I like you toooo much to break-up with you. I know I don't say this often, but I really do care about you, so much, you make me really happy, I want you to know that. " I'm so thankful to still even be with him right now. I'm lucky to even have that second chance. He told me he didn't want to break-up because he knew we were better than that. He believes in us. But I just don't want to make things worst for him or screw up again. I wish I could take his pain and feel it for myself. Why couldn't I just tell him? Why did I have to do the worst thing? Why did I have to be so stupid? He was right. I wasn't thinking. I just wanted the easy way out, and lying just seemed like the easiest thing to do. I was only thinking of myself. It was wrong for me to do that. Now I'm stuck with this regret for the rest of my life. He asked me if I ever think about this. To be honest, I didn't forget .. but I wish I did, and I wish I could. I don't think I'll ever forget that day. I won't forget how upset he was. I hope I never get him that mad again. I can't bare to have him yell at me like that again, and feel the way he did. I was so scared. I can see it in his eyes that he wanted to punch something, but he stopped himself. Thank God. I deserved to be yelled at. I can't believe I'm putting so much stress on him. FUCK. I'm so duuuuumb. It's all my fault. Now I don't think he'll ever going to trust me again. I wouldn't blame him. I just wish I knew how to gain his trust back. It'll probably take months. Damn.

crazy weekend.

The past few weekends have been really good lately. On friday night there was dance, and then an after party (; let's just say I got pretty drunk, and let's just say some people said a few things that should of have never been said. Luckily I wasn't one of those people .. just that night. Saturday was like recovery day. We stayed at Jared's house all day, I had the worst cramps. Then Sunday, it was the usual. Church & etc. Later that day I bought Jason's boutonniere. Jason almost put berries on my corsage, haha. Anyways, later that day I went to the drive-in. The movie was good. I stood in line for a chili dog for an hour. Yeah, I was seriously thaaat hungry. Then after the drive-in, there was ANOTHER party (; once again, I got drunk. But this time, I was dumbass. I accidentally texted jeanine " everyone thinks jeanine is pretty but me. " that text was supposed to go to nancy. It's true though. I'll have to admit. And yeah, it does annoy me, a lot. I know it's pretty dumb, but it just makes me feel ugly hearing that, day after day. I guess it's that jealousy. I know it's not her fault, but I just wish some people would think about how other people would feel if they were talking about their best friend and how beautiful she is, and have them just sitting there listening to them admiring her perfection. Yeah, I know she's pretty. I don't need people to tell me that. If you think she's pretty, tell her yourself, not me. Because I could really care less. I guess it just brings down my self-esteem knowing that I'm not as pretty as her. But oh well. I'm just a jealous person. I just had to get that off my chest. I think the funniest part that night was when Jared flipped out and said " WHO THE FUCK ATE MY COCOA KRISPIES ?! " HAHAHHAHA. Damn. Good times. Anyways, so many people barfed the past weekend, not to sound cocky but .. I didn't barf (; HA! lol .. well, I need to take a shower. Bye.

myyy wednesday.

Most of my blogs are usually about something that's bugging me or stuff like that. But I never really write about my daily life. So I guess I'll start now, even though probably no one will read this but me, but oh well. Well, I woke up at 6:18am. Got ready & etc. Got starbucks (; Jason drove me to school today. He asked me why I kept looking at him, I didn't really know why, actually I'm lying, that's just what I said to him, I just think he looks really cute or funny whenever he's driving. I really do appreciate everything he does for me. Even though I may not show it often, I really do. I wish he knew that. I hope he doesn't think I take him for granted. I'm trying to not ask him for stuff like food and all that. I'm trying to be a good girlfriend, but it's hard to know if I'm doing my job right or not. I'm not trying to buy his love, I just want to be fair with it all. Anyways, school was boring as usual. Lunch got very frustrating ... I didn't know we needed our social security numbers for prom. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he was pissed at me. I haven't felt that bad in a long time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I could say I'm sorry millions of times, but I know he'd still be mad because we had to miss class. I tried to let his anger subside. A few hours later after SADD club, he seemed fine. We went to his house. I haven't taken a nap this whole week. Weird. We watched our daily basketball while laying on his bed together. Just laying in his arms feels like home to me. After that, we went to Tokyo Stop. We both ordered #1. Then, I had to get ready for my concert. I was at the school from 530-900pm. Holy Shit. I'm tired now. I hated the song that my choir sang, but whatever. I sang A Whole New World with Jared. My duet song didn't sound as good as I wanted it to, but I can't change that now. I was so nervous ... surprisingly, I got my words right. Nasty&Fluffy told me that guys were whistling at me and Jason got jealous. That was kind of weird hearing that, because he doesn't seem like the person to care. To be honest, I thought that was kinda cute. My best friends got me flowers, I love them, seriously. I don't know what I'd do without them. Well, it's getting late so I'm going to end this. Goodbye !

striving for a dream.

I want to change. I want to have a goal or some sort of dream to strive for. I've never really been the type of person to stick to one thing and work for it. I guess the only dream that I find hard to let go is my passion for music. But when it comes to reality, it's one in a million that dream could come true. Let's think realistic here. It seems to me that my only undeniable option would be something in the hospital department. Even though it's a job, it's not my dream. But if you think about it, choosing what you need seems like the better option rather than choosing what you want. I just want to be something and be happy with it. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking advantage of my laziness and taking the easy way out. I know I could do better, I just choose not to. I want to challenge myself. I want to become a stronger & wiser person. I'm tired of being the disappointment to my parents, my friends, and my boyfriend.

karma's a bitch.

WTF. seriously? Why does this always happen to me? Why is that every time I'm thinking about something good, the opposite of what I want happens. Why am I so fucking dumb? Why is that the one time I'm trying to do something good, I screw up. Why couldn't I just do that one simple that you asked? I feel so stupid for saying " we rarely ever fight. " And here we are now, arguing over one thing that screwed us over. FML seriously. Now I'm stuck with this regret that I can't take back. Maybe I should just stop writing about the things on my mind because it's just going to back fire at me. I wish I could of just known that things weren't going well for you. I wish I could of known how much this meant to you. I wish I could turn back time. I was just trying to write about how much you mean to me, but now it means nothing but pitty to you. What sucks is that you don't think I care, you don't think you're important to me, but you are. I can't just not be worried about you, about us. I can't get this off my mind just like that, it's just hard for me. It's 3am and I still can't sleep just knowing you're mad at me, but I'm going to have to try since I have to get up for school in like 3 hours. Fuuuck. Well, bye.

because of you.

As I'm sitting here trying to think of what to write about, nothing seems to come to mind .. but you. I mean, out of the millions of things I could choose to write about, I'd rather talk about you. I'm 99.9% sure I could write for hours just talking about the things you do to make me smile or laugh. Normally I would write blogs about something I'm upset about, but lately I haven't had that many disappointments. I guess I was just so used to being hurt all the time that I forgot how it felt like to be happy without being let down. It's all because of you. Yeah I know it sounds pretty cheesy, but I don't care. You once told me " I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, " but I disagreed. I say that because without the pain that we held inside, we wouldn't have been there for each other through rough times. If we never went to that party at Jd's, we would have never had our first kiss. If I kept in that secret of liking you any longer, we'd still be just friends right now. The way I see it, everything that's happened has brought us together. But maybe that's just fate? Well whatever that was, whatever I'm feeling, I want to keep it this way. We've had such a great start, that I'm hoping it'll remain that way. To be honest, I'm still pretty hesitant on what I'm getting myself into. I'm scared of falling in too deep & getting my hopes up, that I'll end up struggling on my own to find my way out. I know you're not the type of person to show your feelings, and I understand that, but I guess sometimes I just want to hear you admit it. Sometimes I feel like it's just too good to be true. I mean, we rarely ever fight. I'm not trying to say that's a bad thing, but whenever we're with our friends, I always see them fight with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Except us. I guess we're a lot different than them. But what sucks is that whenever we do fight, it's not something small & simple, it always ends up something really complicating. When we have days like that, I just want it to end. Luckily those days rarely ever happen. The days I could probably repeat forever are those days where we're just laying together, typically watching a movie, or eating, but whatever we're doing, I like being in your presence, I like knowing you're there to catch me when I fall. I like knowing you'll be there to protect me. I like actually having deep meaningful conversations on the phone. I like being able to relate to eachother so much. But I also like the different life styles we've been through because I like learning new things about you, it helps me understand you more on the struggles you've dealed with. As much as I say I hate it, even though you ruin over 100 of my favorite songs, you still manage to make me laugh despite the fact what you say is probably something really stupid. But whatever. I know your parents may not be proud of who you've become, but just know that I am. I know you're a smart & independant person, even if they can't see it, just know there's someone that believes in you. Everybody has their flaws, but I know that one day you're going to prove them wrong and they're going to regret not having faith in you. This blog is already getting super long and I'm stilllll not done explaining everything that's on my mind about us, but oh well. This shall be continued.

" just believe in me ... that's all i want "

Last night has been the worst night for us so far. First fights always seem to be the hardest to overcome because it's our first time dealing with this together, trying to figure things out to make things better for the both of us. I hate how I can never explain things right, I hate how my reasons don't matter, I hate how you think I still have feelings for my ex, I hate how I like you so much but you can't see how much I do, and I hate how you don't believe in me. I have deep feelings for you, and it even scares me sometimes of how fast I'm falling for you. If I didn't like you so much, then I wouldn't always be worrying about you all the time & I wouldn't be thinking about you all the time & I wouldn't be with you everyday & I wouldn't be scared of you leaving me & I wouldn't be talking about you to my friends & I wouldn't be writing your name all over my papers, and if I were to still have feelings for my ex, I'd be with him and not you. That's the difference, I want to be with you & only you, not him. I want to spend everyday with you, because you make me happy. I want to do the same for you, I want make you smile & laugh, like you do to me. I know how I feel, and I have complete feelings for you, you may not believe that, but I do. You know I wouldn't be with someone if I liked someone else at the same time. Just because I talk to him, that doesn't mean I have feelings for him. Just because those pictures are still there, it doesn't mean those feelings are still there. I swear on my life that there are no remaining feelings for him. Jason, I like you so much. You make it so easy for me to like you, everyday you make me feel like the luckiest girl just being with you. Everyday I like you more & more. I want to keep this feeling that you give me. I would never want to hurt you. I hate how you didn't think I was sorry last night. If I wasn't sorry, then I wouldn't have cried the minute after I hung up the phone the first time. Then I wouldn't have been listening to Mad by Ne-Yo on repeat for about an hour or more .. just hoping & waiting you'd call and tell me that things were going to be okay. I couldn't sleep knowing you were mad at me, and knowing we weren't okay, the pain just kept lingering inside .. until you texted me. I was kinda glad you were still awake so that just maybe I can try to make things right, but unfortunately my words just didn't seem to come out right. You asked me what I wanted, and what I want is for you to know I like you a lot, and I want you to trust that my heart is completely yours, and I want you to know those pictures don't matter anymore; nor does he, and I want you to know that I'm really sorry for last night, and I want you to know that I will try my hardest to prove you wrong, and I want you to believe in me, and I want for us to not feel the way we did last night again. I know we're bound to argue again sometime, but at least I can learn from this. I'm glad that we're okay now, hopefully it'll stay this way for awhile.

is it possible to save two people at once?

It's weird how just one person can change someone so much ... its unbelievable how love can have such a powerful affect on someone's life. Love can bring people smiles and even tears. Everyday I have this on and off, good and bad feeling. I'm so happy to be with Jason, but the other part of me feels really bad for Michael. Just because he's my ex-boyfriend; that doesn't mean I don't care about him anymore. If it wasn't for him, things probably wouldn't be how they are now. The break-up with Michael is what brought me & jason closer. Ironic huh? I know we've had our bad days, and I know he's said some pretty stupid stuff, but everyone screws up. I always have this horrible feeling inside because of the fact of knowing each day I'm breaking someone's heart and hurting someone everyday. In class, I can tell by the look in his eyes that his heart is aching so bad inside ... because of me. Why is that my happiness is the reason behind his tears? Shouldn't he be happy for me? I don't want to be a selfish person, but why can't I be happy and not feel bad? Why do I have to be in the middle of this? They both want what the other person has, but only one person can be fully satisfied. I'm just one person, I can't be with both of them at once. I'm trying to satisfy both by being in a relationship and being friends at the same time, but it doesn't seem to be working out. The decisions you make really do affect your future, it was because of the decisions he made is what led him to losing me. The day I had to choose who I wanted to trust my heart with, it took me less than 3 seconds to figure out that I'd rather choose Jason over Michael. I guess it was because I knew I could trust him and I knew things would be better. Why is that just that one little decision can do much? What is it about me that's so hard to let go? I don't understand how you can list 100 reasons why you don't like me, yet you're still in love with me. I can understand that it's hard letting someone go, I had to deal with the pain too. But I think what's holding him back is the old memories of me, of how things used to be. I think what he truly wants is to re-live his past, I think he just wants to be happy again .. and I think I'm the reason why he can't be happy again. I don't think he'll ever be happy until he lets go of me .. and lets go of us. I'm not saying he needs to forget the memories, but you can't live in the past forever. I think you should always cherish memories, but not dwell on them. I just want to make not only myself & jason happy, but Michael too. I don't want to hurt Jason because of the fact that I'm trying to make Michael feel better. I don't want Jason thinking I'm going to have feelings for him again. I just want myself, and both of them happy, that's all I really want.

" babe, we'll figure something out, don't worry "

Time is going by so fast. The days just keep getting shorter and my feelings keep getting stronger. Everyday we're together, I try to be with you as much as possible because I don't want to end up regretting not spending enough time with you while you're here. I know that I shouldn't assume things since you don't know where you're heading, but if you do end up going somewhere far away, we're going to have to change a few things. Things will be difficult for us, but I'm willing to make it work. I know we've only been together for 3 weeks, but who knows what 3 weeks could turn into. I don't want to give up on this because guys like you don't come around often, and I'm starting to get attached to you. I'm not sure if that should be a good or bad thing? I guess I'm scared that I'm not going to be worth enough to go through a long distance relationship. I'm not sure if I mean that much to you to keep coming home for all the time. I don't want to be the reason why you can't enjoy the college life because you have a high school girlfriend back at home that you're worrying about. I'm afraid that I'm going to miss you all the time, and I'm afraid that the distance will be the reason why we can't make this work. Things just got started for us, I don't want to end it now. We both don't like short term relationships, I just don't want this to be one of them. Honestly, I think I like you enough to the point where I'd do anything to make sure we'll stay together. I don't want distance or especially someone else getting in the way. I guess you're just as protective of me as I am with you. I know I can always depend on you if I ever am in trouble, that's why I'm glad I'm with a guy who can fight for me (: I just hope that he's strong enough to want to keep what we have going.



don't give up on me yet.

Seattle.

7:00 a.m wake up call. With three hours of sleep, I had to get my butt out of bed and get ready to leave for Seattle. I guess Jeanine, Mia, and I shouldn't have put 239076 pads all over Jason, Ethan, and Manni's stuff last night, otherwise I could of had more sleep. (But I have to admit that it was pretty fun, lol) Anyways, the drive was long, but we finally got there. I watched my boyfriend's basketball game, although they lost .. it was still a good game. Theeeen, we drove around trying to find somewhere to get food. We ended up at some buffet place & then crashed at Clark's house. After a looong nap, it was time to leave for the concert. We kinda got lost, actually we were really lost lol .. but we found the place eventually. But on the way there, Jason, Rico, and I were sitting in the car at a stop light and then 2 girls were crossing the street, we were all quiet & confused as those girls walked by eating thin mints .. we recognized them but we couldn't figure out who they were. But then it finally hit us to realize that it was meg & dia right in front of us lol, we all freaked out. Good Times. I saw some local bands, Anarbor, Every Avenue, Breathe Carolina, Cute is what we aim for, and .. MEG&DIA (; The concert was held at El Corazon, it was a small room but very crowded. I stood in the back with Jason because we didn't want me to get in the middle of any moshpits up front, and plus I'd be too short to see anyways. The music was really good, all of the bands sounded amazing. I recorded & took pictures, but my camera ended up dying =[ But the good news is that I got a picture with Meg&Dia (; That was the first time in my life meeting someone famous. Wow. That's all I have to say. The long drive was definitely worth it. The ride home was ... interesting. We got lost again, except it was worst than the first time since Rico left. Eventually after going to Shell & 711, we found our way home. I had an interesting talk with Jason. I love having deep talks with him, he always has something good to say. After every talk, I learn something new about him. Sometimes I'm scared that if I say how I feel, he might get upset. I think he's scared that I'll leave him for Michael. I wish he didn't think that way because I don't want to lose him and I like him so much, I don't want to replace him. Whenever he's worried about Michael, it just makes me feel like he can't trust me. I know he does, well at least I hope he does, it's just that I don't want him to be skeptical about the situation. I don't know what else I could do or say to prove that I want to be with only him 100%. All I could really do is just hope he believes in me.

" you were a day late & a heartbeat short from love "

I'm sorry. That's all I could really say right now. You were too late, I couldn't wait any longer. I had to move-on. I had to do what was best for myself. I couldn't let myself fall back into your trap again. I couldn't take any more of your tears. I deserved better than that. I found someone that's showed me what true happiness is supposed to feel like. Letting Jason go isn't worth it, I'm not about to lose one of best things because of you. It's your loss, not mine. It's true, love really is blind. You can't see it, but you could feel it. That's what happened between me & you, you were to blind to notice what was in front of you all along, and now you're left with nothing. It's just strange, the way things work out. I guess it was just fate or maybe even karma? I guess this is what you get for all the times you've hurt me. I know that's wrong of me to say that, but I just want you to be happy for me. No matter how bad the situation is, you're going to end up settling into a routine again anyway, so you might as well try and move on, I'm not coming back to you, so why don't try doing something good for yourself, and stop loving me.

" good things come to those who wait "

After everything that's happened within the past few months, I've finally found my way of out the darkness, and found the light that I've been searching for. It took me a long time to believe that I'd actually move on and find someone to put the pieces of my broken heart back together. I found myself finally happy again & back into place, because of you. Who knew that one person can do so much? Every moment spent with you has been amazing. I'm glad that I'm with such a sweet & funny guy like you, I wouldn't want it any other way. You're unlike any guy I've ever met, you're someone I can trust 100%, you're someone I can talk to about anything, you're someone that can make me smile no matter what, you're someone that doesn't judge me for who I am ... you're someone that I'm beginning to fall fast for. I guess you could consider that a good and a bad thing? I mean, I don't want to rush into things with you, actually, I just really don't want to screw things up with you at all. I guess I'm scared of losing that feeling that you give me. I guess I just don't want to get hurt again, like before. I can't even really explain the kinda feeling you give me, I mean, just sitting beside you in your car driving around talking about random things make me happy. Its the little things you do that I admire the most. I appreciate all that you do for me, seriously. Like taking me home everyday, buying me a baja blast, getting me pink roses, talking on the phone with me even though you're tired, walking me to class, etc. There's really no need to impress me, I don't care if you don't take me out to expensive restaurants & buy me diamonds, I'd be happy with chicken nuggets & socks (: I'm just really happy we're together. I'm glad I took the risk of telling you how I felt, because it was worth it. Imagine how things would of ended up if we kept in these feelings any longer than we already did. I know being with each other isn't exactly what we planned, but I like how things turned out in the end. At first, I was scared & confused, but the moment you said " wow .. what if i told you that ... idk, sometimes that's how i feel too .. ? " I felt so happy & relieved. You saved me from another heartbreak. I'm glad we took this day by day because we gained more trust in each other & built such a close bond together, now things aren't as awkward as they were like before. I guess going to all those parties were worth it, because then we would of never had our first kiss [x I'll never forget that. But despite the awkwardness that went on with our friends & ex's, things are finally good again. There's less tension whenever they're around, I'm really glad we're all okay with each other. I wouldn't want to lose another friend out of my life. Hopefully things will remain this way.