fuck.

I haven't blogged in awhile. I guess I'm doing this to get things off my mind, so maybe this tension will subside .. but I doubt it. So much has been going through my head. Fuck. I don't think I've ever hated myself this much before. If I could have anything right now, I'd want to turn back time. I'd want to prevent all this bullshit. I'd want to stop myself from being just so stupid & selfish. I hate knowing that everyday I'm hurting him. And the sad thing is, I brought this upon myself, but I deserve all the pain. But what I don't deserve is a guy like him. I really do think that a lot. I don't deserve to be with a guy that cares about me so much, and have me put him through this? I don't deserve his forgiveness. Although I do want him to forgive me, I just don't think I deserve to. I've already done enough to him. He doesn't deserve someone like that. Someone like me. I'm not saying I want to lose him. That's the last thing on my mind. I'm praying that won't happen. But I'm pretty damn close to that happening though. I'm on thin ice right now. He told me other people thought he should have broken up with me. I was so surprised with his decision, and what he had to tell me. I figured he would have gone with what others would tell him. For the first time, I finally knew I meant something to him. " Sharon, I like you toooo much to break-up with you. I know I don't say this often, but I really do care about you, so much, you make me really happy, I want you to know that. " I'm so thankful to still even be with him right now. I'm lucky to even have that second chance. He told me he didn't want to break-up because he knew we were better than that. He believes in us. But I just don't want to make things worst for him or screw up again. I wish I could take his pain and feel it for myself. Why couldn't I just tell him? Why did I have to do the worst thing? Why did I have to be so stupid? He was right. I wasn't thinking. I just wanted the easy way out, and lying just seemed like the easiest thing to do. I was only thinking of myself. It was wrong for me to do that. Now I'm stuck with this regret for the rest of my life. He asked me if I ever think about this. To be honest, I didn't forget .. but I wish I did, and I wish I could. I don't think I'll ever forget that day. I won't forget how upset he was. I hope I never get him that mad again. I can't bare to have him yell at me like that again, and feel the way he did. I was so scared. I can see it in his eyes that he wanted to punch something, but he stopped himself. Thank God. I deserved to be yelled at. I can't believe I'm putting so much stress on him. FUCK. I'm so duuuuumb. It's all my fault. Now I don't think he'll ever going to trust me again. I wouldn't blame him. I just wish I knew how to gain his trust back. It'll probably take months. Damn.