the talking circle.

Lately I've been having a lot of deep talks with Jason for the past nights. That's one of my favorite things that I love about our relationship, we're just so comfortable with each other that we could tell each other everything and anything. Everyday I find new things that I love about him. I thought I knew what it felt like to be truly in love, but as I look back, I just had a heart full of mistakes, lust & lies. There's so many things that I wish I could take back from the past, I just wish I could of realized things a lot sooner, then maybe I wouldn't be as weak as I am now. As i look back on my past relationships, none of them could come close to the one I'm in right now. things are just so amazing, like I can't even explain it. I mean, I would never picture this happening after all that's happened these past few months. You taught me how to be a stronger person & you’ve shown me how a relationship is supposed to be. I'm no longer cautious of what I do, because you're the type of guy to accept me, for me; not who you want me to be. I know you don't think you're special, but you are to me. I look forward to every conversation we have and every moment I’m with you. We’ve had a few conversations about the future, whether we're being sarcastic or serious, that makes me so determined to know what we have could really last. It means a lot to me knowing you'd even consider me being in your future. I'm not trying to rush things with our relationship, but it'd be really cool if those future plans really did happen. But for now, let's just keep things the way they are because right now we have a really good thing going, I can't afford to lose what we have. Losing you would be one of the hardest things I'd have to go through. So hopefully that won't be happening anytime soon. I really do love you so much. I know I ask a lot from you when I shouldn't, but just know I'm in this relationship because of you, not because of what's in your wallet. I've never been treated so well by a guy until I had you. I know you don't think you spoil me, but in my eyes you do. I don't care if you don't buy me much, because I'm happy with the love you give me. That's all that really matters. Well, I'm tired of blogging. Maybe I'll add more to this later. Kbye(:

" what if i told you i love you too ?"

Sooo much has happened within the past week. Things that I wish I could forget, things that I wish I haven't said, and feelings that I want to forever feel. I guess you could say I've been through a roller coaster of emotions. I'll skip the bad and start with the good. Well, Jason said " I love you " to me for his first time. I was sooo surprised & relieved at the same time because I felt the exact same way. At that moment, I couldn't stop smiling, it's as if my face was permanently stuck like that or something. I couldn't be any happier, I haven't felt like this in a really long time. I forgot what it felt like to be loved. gahjklasfd(: I can't even explain how I feel right now. All I know is that I'm seriously in love with this boy. He's definitely changed since the last time I wrote about him. Now he's everything that I've been waiting for. There isn't one thing that I'd want to change about him now. I feel horrible for what I said before, but everything happens for a reason right? I mean, this is the " serious-ness " that I was looking for, this is the feeling that I want to feel. You wanted me to be happy right? Well you got what you wanted and I hope you're happy too? I know we had a rough start, but we made it through together, I wouldn't want it any other way. I mean, I know it's kind of weird saying " I love you " since it's been such a long time, so it's kind of awkward saying it, but I'm sure we'll get used to it like everything else. Anyways, that's all I wanted to say, I just needed to let this out because it's all that's been on my mind for the past few days.

girlFRIEND.

When it comes to times like these, I just want to feel loved sometimes or well, in my case, "liked." Sometimes I feel like things haven't changed, as if we were the best of friends again, we've just changed the title. I want to feel special, I want to feel like I'm his girlfriend, not one of his dudes. I want to be more than that. Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate everything he does for me, but there's more to a relationship other than spending. It's about two people having feelings for each other and expressing how they feel to each other. We've talked about this before. I thought I'd handle it fine and just get over it, but I guess not. I feel SO selfish for saying that. It's weird because I don't even know why he wants to be with me, I don't even know what he likes about me. It's sad that I only know the things that he dislikes about me. It sucks sometimes because I try so hard to impress him, and he wouldn't notice. So I mean why even try anymore if it's useless to get my boyfriend's attention. I'd probably have to show more skin for it to work. He tells me that he likes me a lot, but not once have I ever heard him say what it was about me that he liked, minus certain body parts. I'm not trying to sound cocky by asking him to flatter me. I just want our relationship to have some compassion. I wasn't looking for a short hit it and quit it relationship, I want a long serious relationship with him. It's weird because he has so many personalities, it's either really funny or really serious. Sometimes I get tired of joking around too much. I don't like to put an attitude towards him whenever he bugs me, I'd just rather not argue with him for the way he acts. I don't want to change him, but I'm tired of feeling this way sometimes. Maybe I'm just being selfish again. But is it wrong to feel this way? Am I the only one who notices this? I mean, I know with his past relationship this is something she had to deal with, and she got used to it for over 2 years. So am I just being a bitch? It's been almost five months. I'm the type of girl that expresses her feelings, but I can't even tell my own boyfriend in person or even on the phone of how much I like him or what I like about him without feeling weird or awkward. I don't know. But it's whatever, I need to get some fucking sleep.