I'm actually not in a bad mood this time.

So I was looking at a bunch of people's " tumblr's " and I found one about a boyfriend and girlfriend that sleep at each others apartments every single night. Sometimes I wish I could do that, just so that he doesn't have to pick me up in the morning and because I like being in his presence. But most importantly, privacy. Not just sexually, but I mean in everything. But I know if I stayed with my boyfriend every night, it wouldn't be as romantic and perfect as it is in movies. I drool a lot and I snore really loud. It drives him crazy every night. This is why we can't sleep together. Whenever we take naps together I'd lay in his arms and fall asleep and then an hour later we're on the total opposite sides of the bed haha. I like to think far into the future with him because I believe we can make it happen. It's probably a bad thing, but I don't care, a girl can have dreams too. I really want to get a puppy together, as dumb as it sounds, I think it'd be fun. I've already decided that I'm naming him Simba. I want to make microwave dinners for us because I can't cook. I want to order pizza together because I'd end up running out of microwave dinners to make. I'm really not the ideal girl to have. I don't like to clean, I only do my laundry twice a month and I just suck at cooking. But that's just how I am, take it or leave it. 

Bottled up inside.

When it comes to times like this, my mind just goes blank. I know what to say.. sometimes, but it just doesn't come out right, or just doesn't come out at all. I think I'm just too scared to admit my feelings? I'm scared of whatever comes out of my mouth because maybe he'd take it in the wrong way, or maybe I just didn't say it right. It's all just a mess. That's why I'd rather not say anything at all. I know it upsets him, but it's a bad habit I have. I really do love and care about him so much. It sucks how he doesn't believe me, nor trusts me. It's a pretty bad combination. I'm on thin ice right now, every move I make matters. I'm scared to death. But the thing is.. it's ME. Why do I have to be so stupid sometimes.. Why can't I just tell him how I feel.. Why can't I be strong.. Why can't I fight for him, for us.. Why is it so hard for me to change.. I'm probably breaking his heart each day he's with me hoping we'll get better, hoping I'll change. He told me that I don't make him happy. He doesn't deserve that at all. I honestly don't deserve to even be with him right now... he shouldn't be with someone like me. If I can't even make him happy, then what's the point. Just knowing he's hurting inside breaks my heart. I really do need to change, and for him I would, slowly.. But I really can't just let this slide. I'm so close to losing him. I almost did at one point. I thought about going on a break, I thought maybe being apart would help me realize what I could do to solve this. But I was definitely wrong. I didn't see him or talk to him to day after, and I just wanted to break down and cry. I actually did at one point, I couldn't hold it in any longer, the moment he answered the phone I ended up crying in the bathroom. Everything I saw reminded me of him, I just couldn't get him out of my mind. I had to wear a fake smile on my face because it was my best friend's birthday, so I didn't want to ruin her day. He'll never know how much appreciate him. I guess I'm just really bad at showing it. I really do admire all the things he does for me. I take advantage of it sometimes and I don't even realize it. I got another job so that I can treat him with something too. Hopefully I'll be a better girlfriend, Hopefully he'll still love me...?