Falling out of love

I hate that I let it get this far. I told myself that these things weren't important and you made me believe that it was a waste of time. But now all I think about is the time that I've wasted forgetting the things that could've brought us closer. Being apart has made me realize how much happier I could've been. 

I hate thinking that this is it for me when I know there's so much more. I wanted you by my side till the end. I wanted it all with you but the feelings just didn't seem to reciprocate. Because of that, you're pushing me away and making it easier for me leave.

I still miss you but not all the time. I love you so much that it hurts. I hate feeling this way. I know there's so much more for us but I just can't seem to make it happen on my own. He's so content with how things are going but it's only pushing me further away. It's like I'm stuck but I can't seem to leave because deep down I believe there's hope. Please give me something to hold on to because I'm almost ready to let go. 

the missing piece in the puzzle.

i'm not one to have high standards when it comes to guys but i feel like i shouldn't have to lower my standards on how i want a guy to treat me. i obviously don't expect a guy to call me sexy every morning but it'd be nice to be called beautiful at least once in my life... i hate talking about this because i feel like i'm acting like a bitch for saying that i want to be called pretty but it hurts not to hear it. i hate having to compare my boyfriend to other guys, but i honestly shouldn't have to lower expectations when it comes to these things.

i'm not comparing physical attributes, just purely actions. i want a guy that wants to kiss me, hold me, tell me i'm the most gorgeous girl he's ever met, dance with me, buy me flowers just because, tell me all the reasons why he loves me, and just little things like that... i know i sound like a foolish hopeless romantic, but it's what makes me happy and i deserve to be with someone who not only can do that, but WANTS to do that. the thing is with jason... i hate that i have to force it upon him to treat me this way because i know that he truly doesn't like it nor mean it. i mean, it's nice that he sometimes does it because i like it but i want him to want that, not just to benefit me. i hate being that person that makes someone act differently because of personal preferences but there are so many other things that i love about him that make up for it.

i'm not saying that these things are my top priority in my relationship but it's definitely a factor. especially since we're in a long distance relationship, words are everything. i asked him if i was rated more on the cute or hott side, and he didn't know. i think that broke me the most because it's as if he was saying i was neither... i know it's a little dumb to be upset but i just wanted to feel special. we obviously can't see each other very much so it'd be nice to hear something nice once in awhile.

romance is basically non-existent in our relationship and that really disappoints me. i'm more disappointed in myself because i let myself feel this way. i let my guard down by settling with what i have. i'm not saying that i'm settling for jason, i'm saying i'm settling for someone that can't do what truly makes me happy. there are a millions of things that jason can do to make me happy, but at the end of day i'm still settling. jason is smart, funny, motivating, handsome, faithful, strong, hard-working, and trustworthy. it's foolish for me to expect more from him because he truly is amazing but what's the point in being with a guy with such great qualities if he can't make me feel special? isn't the point of being in a relationship is to make each other happy?

there's a reason why you chose that one person out of everyone else in the world because that one person has something very special about them that nobody else had. when michael and i broke up, he took a part of me that i thought i would never get back until i met jason. when we first started talking on a more personal level, i couldn't believe that there was someone so amazing. i felt so special to him. as years went by, i stopped feeling that way. i'm not sure if he was just acting like that to impress me, but that was the guy that i was expecting to be with for years to come. i know me and jason already had our "honeymoon stage" in our relationship but i just wanna go back to that...

i'm not saying that i should get everything that i want but this is a personal thing and i know i'm not the only girl that feels this way. i'm not saying i want my life to be exactly like The Notebook, but i want to feel hopelessly in love.

our relationship has definitely grown but it's not where i want it to be and i think it's because of this... i don't know what to do... because in the long run, i know myself, and i don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what my life would be like if i had someone that treated me the way i always dreamed of. i don't want my marriage to fail later on in life because of the absence of romance. i love jason so much it scares me.. but as much as i want to spend my life with him, i'm scared that it's not going to be what i'm hoping it'd be. who knows... things can change, he can change, i can change.

Three Year Anniversary Weekend.

so obviously this blog is about me and jason's anniversary like the title says... lol. anyways, i had an amaaaaaaazing weekend :) :) :) it may not have been as romantic and fancy as most couples would celebrate their anniversaries... but we're not like most couples. on friday he came up to bellingham after class and we just chilled at my apartment all day. i made him dinner and after we chowed down, we got down ;) hahahahaha. on saturday, our plan was to spend the day in seattle! we stopped by popeyes and Jason bought us biscuits for breakfast, my faaaaavorite :D when we got to seattle, we went straight to claim jumper for lunch and our food was delicious :) after lunch, we looked around alderwood mall for a couple of hours andddd he bought me a cute ring from forever21 :) after the mall we went to the seattle outlets and looked around there so we could get our appetite back. after looking around, we stillllll weren't hungry yet so we went to walmart to kill more time... and Jason bought us energy drinks and chocolate milk :) we got tired of looking around so we just headed straight to golden corral. when we got inside, it was suuuuper packed.. i didn't seem to mind because i wasn't starving anyways. the food was sooooooooooo good !!!!! After dinner we headed back home and just watched you got served til we fell asleep. on sunday morning i made him breakfast and he had to go home :( the weekend seriously went by sooooo quick, i'm so sad he had to leave :'( Anddd thats about it! Regardless of what anyone says, i had a good time. since we don't get to see each other often, i really appreciate every moment we spend together. i seriously can't believe it's been 3 years.... that's just so crazy. I always knew he'd be here to stay<3 I'm really, really happy with him right now. He really is my soul mate :) we just fit so well together... i feel like one of the luckiest girls in the world. i'm just so thankful to god for all that he's helped us through in this relationship, because it wasn't easy. i can't wait to see what he has next planned for us....

idkwtd.

"The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore" - James Morrison

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

The pieces don't fit here anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

I don't know why

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

The pieces don't fit anymore

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why

brutality.

i've been wanting to blog for soooo long and now i finally have the time. so much has happened this month, it's crazy. we had our annual camping trip a few weeks ago, it was fun ... until it got busted. me, loren, nicole, and brylle got arrested for an MIP and it just went downhill from there. that was probably the most scariest thing that's ever happened to me.

this whole summer has just been pretty weird. things just haven't been the same.. i just miss the way things used to be... but i know it will never be the same again. but that's how life is, you let go & move on. i miss my best friend. i don't know how we fell apart so quickly. i keep saying it's you, not me but i think i was just telling myself that so that i wouldn't feel like the bad guy. but now i can honestly say it's a two way street, nobody has honestly tried to fix things. i don't even know what we're even trying to fix, that's the confusing part. a part of me wants to man up and just say something but i feel like even if i did tell you how i feel, it wouldn't change anything. i'm tired of playing the blame game, i just want to hangout and not feel awkward. i want to have a real conversation. there are things people have told me about you that i didn't even know... i just thought i'd be the first person you'd tell. it just hurts to know that after the 4 years we've known each other, you'd rather tell the girl you knew for 6 months. regardless of whatever you may have done, out of everyone i thought i'd be the most understanding. if you were me 3 years ago, i know damn well that you wouldn't be able to put up with the bullshit you and nancy gave me when i had a boyfriend. but of course i have no say in what you do now so if that's what makes you happy, i don't want to ruin it for you.

on a better note, we finally got our apartment :) i'm the only that's basically moved in since i had summer school. my room is slowly coming together. i can't wait til we're all settled in, it's going to look beautiful. i hope the roommate situation works out, i know there will be a few arguments here and there but i just hope we're all mature enough to just get over it lol. living together is like having a sleepover every night, i can't waaaait :) this is random but i went to a sounders match with my boyfriend and best friends a few weeks ago and it was pretty fuuuun. & I SAW NATE ROBINSON AND JAMAL CRAWFORD at a pro-am game, just saying.

btw, summer school blows; never doing it again.

taco doritos.

- this summer sucks, literally. i haven't done shit... the coolest thing i've done was probably go to the donut house.

- i'm mad that all my friends ever do is blaze.

- i hope it stays sunny the rest of the summer.

- school sucks. i'm busting my ass off and i'm still not understanding all the material. i can't waaaait til school is over.

- mon-thurs are the worst days for me because i'm stuck at the apartment with no internet/cable/friends

- i'm so dumb for procrastinating last minute and moving my shit out of my apartment the last week we have it =/

- i can't wait to move into my new apartment :)

- i can't wait for the annual camping trip this thursday!

- i'm home alone for a couple days while my parents are in texas, but on the plus side; i get to sleep in their big comfy bed :)

- taco flavored doritos are so GOOD :)

happy birthday amuuurica!

after i'm done writing this blog, i need to sleeeeep. i'm pretty tired, i went to bed at 5 a.m last night because me being a procrastinator, i didn't start packing and doing errands til last minute x] i had about 5 hours of sleep last night ... yet i'm still awake, wtf?! anywaaaays, my day went well :) i had coffee with abs in the morn and then i hungout with nancy & her little sister at the carnival all day, then fireworks with my bufu. i don't wanna go to school tomorrow :( i might not even get into the class since i'm on the waiting list, but i guess i'm just gonna have to find out tomorrow. well, that's it ... HERE'S MY NEW HAT! i've been wanting one of these for so long.