karma's a bitch.

WTF. seriously? Why does this always happen to me? Why is that every time I'm thinking about something good, the opposite of what I want happens. Why am I so fucking dumb? Why is that the one time I'm trying to do something good, I screw up. Why couldn't I just do that one simple that you asked? I feel so stupid for saying " we rarely ever fight. " And here we are now, arguing over one thing that screwed us over. FML seriously. Now I'm stuck with this regret that I can't take back. Maybe I should just stop writing about the things on my mind because it's just going to back fire at me. I wish I could of just known that things weren't going well for you. I wish I could of known how much this meant to you. I wish I could turn back time. I was just trying to write about how much you mean to me, but now it means nothing but pitty to you. What sucks is that you don't think I care, you don't think you're important to me, but you are. I can't just not be worried about you, about us. I can't get this off my mind just like that, it's just hard for me. It's 3am and I still can't sleep just knowing you're mad at me, but I'm going to have to try since I have to get up for school in like 3 hours. Fuuuck. Well, bye.

because of you.

As I'm sitting here trying to think of what to write about, nothing seems to come to mind .. but you. I mean, out of the millions of things I could choose to write about, I'd rather talk about you. I'm 99.9% sure I could write for hours just talking about the things you do to make me smile or laugh. Normally I would write blogs about something I'm upset about, but lately I haven't had that many disappointments. I guess I was just so used to being hurt all the time that I forgot how it felt like to be happy without being let down. It's all because of you. Yeah I know it sounds pretty cheesy, but I don't care. You once told me " I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, " but I disagreed. I say that because without the pain that we held inside, we wouldn't have been there for each other through rough times. If we never went to that party at Jd's, we would have never had our first kiss. If I kept in that secret of liking you any longer, we'd still be just friends right now. The way I see it, everything that's happened has brought us together. But maybe that's just fate? Well whatever that was, whatever I'm feeling, I want to keep it this way. We've had such a great start, that I'm hoping it'll remain that way. To be honest, I'm still pretty hesitant on what I'm getting myself into. I'm scared of falling in too deep & getting my hopes up, that I'll end up struggling on my own to find my way out. I know you're not the type of person to show your feelings, and I understand that, but I guess sometimes I just want to hear you admit it. Sometimes I feel like it's just too good to be true. I mean, we rarely ever fight. I'm not trying to say that's a bad thing, but whenever we're with our friends, I always see them fight with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Except us. I guess we're a lot different than them. But what sucks is that whenever we do fight, it's not something small & simple, it always ends up something really complicating. When we have days like that, I just want it to end. Luckily those days rarely ever happen. The days I could probably repeat forever are those days where we're just laying together, typically watching a movie, or eating, but whatever we're doing, I like being in your presence, I like knowing you're there to catch me when I fall. I like knowing you'll be there to protect me. I like actually having deep meaningful conversations on the phone. I like being able to relate to eachother so much. But I also like the different life styles we've been through because I like learning new things about you, it helps me understand you more on the struggles you've dealed with. As much as I say I hate it, even though you ruin over 100 of my favorite songs, you still manage to make me laugh despite the fact what you say is probably something really stupid. But whatever. I know your parents may not be proud of who you've become, but just know that I am. I know you're a smart & independant person, even if they can't see it, just know there's someone that believes in you. Everybody has their flaws, but I know that one day you're going to prove them wrong and they're going to regret not having faith in you. This blog is already getting super long and I'm stilllll not done explaining everything that's on my mind about us, but oh well. This shall be continued.

" just believe in me ... that's all i want "

Last night has been the worst night for us so far. First fights always seem to be the hardest to overcome because it's our first time dealing with this together, trying to figure things out to make things better for the both of us. I hate how I can never explain things right, I hate how my reasons don't matter, I hate how you think I still have feelings for my ex, I hate how I like you so much but you can't see how much I do, and I hate how you don't believe in me. I have deep feelings for you, and it even scares me sometimes of how fast I'm falling for you. If I didn't like you so much, then I wouldn't always be worrying about you all the time & I wouldn't be thinking about you all the time & I wouldn't be with you everyday & I wouldn't be scared of you leaving me & I wouldn't be talking about you to my friends & I wouldn't be writing your name all over my papers, and if I were to still have feelings for my ex, I'd be with him and not you. That's the difference, I want to be with you & only you, not him. I want to spend everyday with you, because you make me happy. I want to do the same for you, I want make you smile & laugh, like you do to me. I know how I feel, and I have complete feelings for you, you may not believe that, but I do. You know I wouldn't be with someone if I liked someone else at the same time. Just because I talk to him, that doesn't mean I have feelings for him. Just because those pictures are still there, it doesn't mean those feelings are still there. I swear on my life that there are no remaining feelings for him. Jason, I like you so much. You make it so easy for me to like you, everyday you make me feel like the luckiest girl just being with you. Everyday I like you more & more. I want to keep this feeling that you give me. I would never want to hurt you. I hate how you didn't think I was sorry last night. If I wasn't sorry, then I wouldn't have cried the minute after I hung up the phone the first time. Then I wouldn't have been listening to Mad by Ne-Yo on repeat for about an hour or more .. just hoping & waiting you'd call and tell me that things were going to be okay. I couldn't sleep knowing you were mad at me, and knowing we weren't okay, the pain just kept lingering inside .. until you texted me. I was kinda glad you were still awake so that just maybe I can try to make things right, but unfortunately my words just didn't seem to come out right. You asked me what I wanted, and what I want is for you to know I like you a lot, and I want you to trust that my heart is completely yours, and I want you to know those pictures don't matter anymore; nor does he, and I want you to know that I'm really sorry for last night, and I want you to know that I will try my hardest to prove you wrong, and I want you to believe in me, and I want for us to not feel the way we did last night again. I know we're bound to argue again sometime, but at least I can learn from this. I'm glad that we're okay now, hopefully it'll stay this way for awhile.