happy birthday jesus!

merry christmas blogspot :)
i haven't exactly spent my christmas day yet since it's like 2 am, but i have celebrated my christmas eve. i went to church & afterwards i went to my aunties house and ate food and exchanged presents and such theeeen we went home and opened presents. this has definitely been my favorite year for presents :) my family, best friends, and boyfriend got me .... a northface jacket, purple chi straightener, hello kitty pajamas, VS perfume, jumbo hello kitty cards, "ugg" slippers, water bottle, chocolate candle, VS yoga pants, fuzzy socks, obey leather jacket, hello kitty laptop table :) i'm super happy and thankful. most of all, i'm thankful for everything the lord has done for me. as exciting presents may be, that isn't what christmas is all about. to me, i think it's about appreciation/thankfulness & love. well, i hope everyone has an amazing day :)

winter break.

It's been such a long time since I've last updated on here. I'm just gonna ramble. Well... I'm back in Oak Harbor for winter break and it's been pretty good so far. I love seeing all my friends :) Being away from my parents makes me appreciate them so much more, I'm glad to be back home, plus, my brother just got home tonight! It's been a year since I last saw him so it was cool hanging out again. Bad news is that I hurt my knee so now I'm on crutches for a week :( Anyways, I'm SO glad that fall quarter is FINALLY over! :) I didn't do as well as I thought I would ... so next quarter I neeeeeed to work my ass off especially since I'm taking 18 credits. FML. I will have no free time next quarter =/ booooo. Enough about school. Christmas is sooooon :) I wish I had a job so that I could actually get my bff's & bf better present this year :( but right now I reeeaaallly need to concentrate on school. I'm planning on getting a job next year, I just feel so bad for asking my parents for money all the time. Me, being a dumbass always ends up spending all of my money on fucking food, I'm getting so fat. There's no point in me saying I'll go to the gym everyday of break because we all know that's not happening to be honest HA. Besides, I fucked myself over by hurting my knee anyways so good bye running for the next week. I'll slowly attempt to diet & go to the gym whenever my knee heels and if I don't get lazy (which is rare.) To be honest, I'd rather stay home and do homework and get fat than pay for a gym membership and be fit. I know that's probably dumb to say, but college is a big priority for me right now & finding time to workout with my school schedule is just too hectic right now. It's almost 4am so I'll finish this up later! Goodnight blogspot. 

start of something new.

Today was my first day at WCC. It wasn't too bad, but it wasn't great. Mostly because I didn't know anyone. I'm doing this all on my own. The thing that I like most about college is that everyone seems to be more mature, that was pretty rare in high school. I really like all of my professors so far. Oh, and I found all my classes in time, thank god. It felt like my first day of middle school all over again haha. But anyways, enough about school. I'm all moved in at my apartment. All I need to do now is decorate, it's too plain for me. It's been a pretty good few days so far, I feel like a little family because were together all the time, we even prepare our meals together. I'm starting to miss my parents and friends already, it's a good thing I'm coming home this weekend. I want to be somewhere other than my apartment and the Bellisfair mall. All I've been doing lately is eating, watching tv, and going on the internet. I REALLY NEED TO FIND SOME TIME IN MY SCHEDULE TO WORK OUT. I can feel the freshman fifteen coming in early, hahaha. Well anyways, I've had a long day. I seriously walked to school and back home 3 times today. I need to get some sleeeep, sadly I'll be sleeping alone tonight. My bed feels so much bigger without Jason taking up the other side of the bed :( Well, Goodnight blogspot!

imy2.

I've never been this happy to see you say "I miss you :(" not only to me, but for everyone else to see. I guess I just wasn't expecting for you to feel the same way. It means a lot to me that you do (:

imy.

So I'm laying on my bed on a Sunday afternoon doing nothing =/ I usually spend my Sundays in Seattle with Jason, but he's currently on vacation in Florida for a week and a half. I'm trying not to be one of those clingy girlfriends who has to text him 24/7. I usually just talk to him whenever he has free time, which isn't too much, but I understand he's with his family. I also don't want to be one of those girls sitting at home just because my boyfriend is gone while everyone is with their friends. But today everyone seems to be doing their own thing, so therefore I'm kind of stuck in that situation. Ive been pretty good at keeping myself occupied for the past few days, and I've been content. I guess I'm kind of testing myself. Eventually I'm going to have to get used to not seeing him every single day, so being apart for our first time is really helping. There are a lot of times where I wish he was with me just because it gets a little lonely while everyone else is paired up, and the fact that almost everything reminds me of him. I've never missed him this much before... then again he's never left me before. I don't mean to sound pathetic, but it's just the way I'm feeling. I always try to take every opportunity to go parties&etc just so I can get him off of my mind, but even that doesn't completely work. At the end of the night, I'm still hoping he'd be with me.

" But don't you take the easy way out "

Noah: Would you just stay with me?

Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'

Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out. 

- The Notebook

 Just an old quote from a movie I liked. It fits my situation perfectly, except one part.

Forever never seems to last.

For the past few weeks I've been writing blogs on my daily letters on whatever topic it goes by. I haven't really been blogging on my daily life. I think a lot has happened since I last blogged but I won't really get that into it on here. Not huuuge events, but enough to effect me.

Everyday I always wonder how long my relationship will actually last. I mean, this is reality now. High School relationships lasting forever is a joke nowadays. It's hard not to doubt something that's so inevitable. We do have something rare though, so it's hard to predict what could actually happen. I'm just scared of getting my hopes up and being let down after all we went through. 

Can we honestly make this work? Am I stupid for even thinking we could potentially have a future?

We both have such diverse career paths ahead of us that it seems impossible to have a future throughout all the struggles we have yet to face. 

I don't know. Maybe I'm over thinking this. But it's just been bugging me so much considering summer's ending in a matter of 6 weeks.

I'm just praying for the best.

Letter #16

Dear Cathy,
We haven't talked since you went back to Las Vegas. I hope you're doing well there. I know you'll be an amazing cosmetologist. I'm sorry we left things screwed up last summer. I don't what I can say to you to make you believe me. If you ever do come back to Oak Harbor, I know we won't repeat that again. Well I don't really have anything else to say.

Letter #15

Dear Nicole,

I know it's only been like maybe a month since I last saw you but I still do miss you. Even before you left for vacation, I still found myself missing you. I miss hanging out and having someone to talk to. It's always fun drinking with you & Loren. I'll never forget our first sleepover (: We miss hanging out with you. But I understand you want to hangout with your boyfriend, I just wish sometimes you'd make time for us too. I used to be just like you, spend time with a boyfriend every single day. But in the end, you just might regret it. I don't want to be mean and saying it's a mistake, but I guess he means that much to you to give up the people who want to spend time with you instead of just one person. I know spending time with your boyfriend is fun, but you can't just devote all your time for your boyfriend. I just don't want you to end up like me, losing your friends because you chose your boyfriend over them. I hope I'll actually get to see you and hangout when you get back from Japan.

Letter #14

Dear Jasmine,
I miss living together. I know that if I ever had a problem, you were always there beside me to guide me through. It was as if you were like my little sister. You drove me crazy, yet I couldn't not love you. We spent almost every minute together except when it came to school. You were so weird sometimes, but yet so funny. We've had some good memories these past years. When you moved back home, I guess we spent less and less time together since we had different friends. I'm glad we had choir together though, we got a little closer again on tour. It was like good times again when we used to share a bed. I'm so proud of how far you've gone, I know you'll do great things in the future. I'm sorry we drifted apart, but I guess that's how life is. People change and people leave. As I'm leaving for college, I hope to come home and catch up to see how you're doing. I'm going to miss you jazziephizzle14.

Letter #13

Dear Jason, 

I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for not putting enough effort into our relationship. I'm sorry for being so selfish all the time. I'm sorry for not giving you the appreciation you deserve. I'm sorry for not loving you. There's only so much I want you to forgive me for. I know it's my fault why you've lost trust in me, but I promise you that someday you will again. That was the biggest mistake of my life, and I'll forever regret it. Not a day goes by where I don't feel ashamed of what I've done. Please just know I'm never going to do it again. You're the only one I want to be with. You're the best boyfriend I've ever had, and I don't want to lose you. Our relationship can't move forward without trust, so please find it deep in your heart to trust me again?

Letter #12

Dear Michael,

As I look back to the hard times I had my past, you're that one person who caused me so much pain and grief. As I'm looking back, I feel so stupid and foolish for staying around. I should have known better than to believe your stupid lies. I should have been more stronger. There's just so much that I regret when I was with you. You crushed my self esteem to pieces. You really damaged me. I became so vulnerable. I hate you for treating me so bad. I hate how you made me hate myself. I hate you for not putting effort into the simplest things in our relationship. I feel bad for you. I feel bad for whoever you're going to end up being with because I know she'll end up heartbroken just like how you left me. Maybe you need to grow up and learn how to treat a girl. I knew from the past to never fall for your lies again, so I hope you're happy. You got what you wanted right? You wanted to see if our relationship was real so you left me. I guess that's your loss not mine. Don't give me that bullshit you said in the past to get me back. I'm not falling for it again, and I never will. I know deep down you might still love me, and maybe you always will, but don't blame me for your mistake.

Letter #11

Dear Grandpa, 

Ever since I was little I've always questioned where you were in my life. We never met but... I'm Sharon, your grand daughter. I'm 18 years old and I just graduated. My parents never really said much about you, except that you passed away long ago. I've always wondered what you were like. Just maybe we might have something in common? There's so many things I wish I knew about you. I've only met one of my grand parents, which is my nanay from my dad's side. She took care of me dearly, I'm sure she did the same for you. I wish I had a grandpa growing up. But some things in life happen unexpectedly so that wish couldn't come true.

Letter #10

Dear Justine,

You're the funniest girl I know, seriously. You're like the best of both worlds, I can count on you to make me laugh, yet you know just the right things to say to me when I'm down. We can always have an interesting conversation whenever we're hanging out, whether its serious or if it's just talking shit haha. We started talking again ever since I started going out with Jason, and I'm glad because you're fun to hangout with. I guess the reason why we don't talk is because you live in a different town than me, but that's about to change in a matter of 2 months. Hopefully we can talk more next year (:

Letter #9

Dear Haley Williams, 

First of all I'd just like to say I absolutely love your music! Every single album you've made so far have all sounded so good (: I think you have the coolest hair & clothing style ever, it's so unique. I like how your music isn't so cliche, it's about reality. Your music is just so perfect to listen to whenever I'm stressed or upset. I went to one of your concerts last month in Seattle and it was epic! You seriously sound even more amazing live. I'd love to meet you because you seem like such a chill & funny person to hangout with. I like to sing myself so I think it'd be fun to have a music session together. If that day ever does come, that would be one of the best days of my life (:

Letter #8

I don't really have any internet friends because nobody really goes on msn messenger & etc anymore, so that's that ha.

Letter #7

Dear Michael,

I don't even know what to say to you. I don't even want to write about you honestly, but I might as well let out my emotions. Thanks for screwing up my relationship with Jason. I know it wasn't all your fault, but still, I wish we didn't talk after we broke up. You hurt me really bad, you should feel horrible for all the things you made me do. I feel so stupid for putting up with you. In a way I guess I could thank you for hurting me because after all the pain you put me through, I didn't have to go through the pain alone. You're the reason that brought me and Jason closer, so thank you (: It's funny how you're the one who let me go, yet you're the one running back to me begging for a second chance. Ha, you thought wrong. I hope you can find some other girl to make you happy. I hope you find the strength to finally get rid of our box of memories, it's for the best.

Letter #6

Dear Stranger,

I don't exactly know you but I hope that someday I will. Maybe we'll be best friends. Maybe we'll fall in love. Maybe we'll end up going to school together or even get married? Whoever you are dear stranger, we should meet. I'm a pretty nice person, but I'm slightly shy. So that's a bit of a problem when it comes to meeting new people. I hope that whenever we do meet, you're someone I can trust. Just promise not to break my heart?

Letter #5

Dear Dreams,

I promise I'm going to try to do my best in school to make you come true. I really want to do something in the medical field. I love the feeling of helping people in need, it always makes my day. Just knowing each day I'm benefiting someone's life is a miracle. As for after the college life, I really hope I meet the one for me. I can't wait till my wedding day. I can't wait to be in love. I can't wait to do more exciting things in my life now that I'm out of oak harbor and I'm on my own. Please excite me with new things (:

Letter #4

Dear Kevin, 

I've always looked up to you since we were young. Everything you did, I would always copy you because I thought I'd be as cool as you, haha. I know we don't talk as much as we used to, but I'm always here for you. I wish you the best of luck in Virginia, I know you'll do great. You're so smart and talented, I'm truly jealous. I really do miss you, a lot. I'm sad that I didn't get to see you at my graduation, but I understand that you're busy with school. Thanks for always being on my side whenever I'd get into fights with mom & dad. Thanks for getting me drinks & not telling mom and dad about that party I had last summer! Whenever you come home, we need to have more hangouts like that (; Anyways, I can't wait till you come home. I love you Kevy (:

Letter #3

Dear Mom and Daddy,

I know I don't show it much, but I truly do love you guys & appreciate everything you do for me. I know we got into many arguments when it came to boyfriends and school, but I know you only wanted what was best for me. Even though you drove me crazy about homework, it all payed off in the end when I finally graduated. Thank you for bringing me closer to God, living by his word has made me a better person. I wish we could have spent more time together as a family because I really do miss our board game nights. I'm sorry not for cleaning my room whenever you ask. Next year, I'm probably going to go crazy because I won't have anyone to wash my dishes haha. But I will miss you guys, I'll try my best to come home and visit and give you guys a call once in awhile. I love you :)

Letter #2

Dear Jason,
You're one of the funniest guys I know, you can always put a smile on my face. Thank you for always being there for me whenever I'm down. You've taught me so much and helped me to be a better person, and I'll be forever thankful for that. You know me more than anyone else, with an exception of my best friends. I may not show or tell you often, but I really do appreciate everything you do for me. I know things have been hard between us lately, but things will get better, I promise. I'm willing change so that we can stay together. I don't want to give up on you, or us. Losing you would be one of the biggest mistakes I'd ever make, one that I'd probably regret forever. I knew you were the one for me the moment I ran out your door when you chased after me. No guy has ever bothered to fight for me, ever in my entire life. When I saw how much effort you put just to stop me from breaking up with you, I realized wow, he must really be in love with me. I love that feeling of knowing there's someone that loves me for all my imperfections, and that truly makes me feel so special. So, thank you for making me one of the happiest girls in the world. 

Letter #1

Dear Nancy & Jeanine,
You two are the best, best friends I could ever ask for. Thank you for everything you've done for me seriously, you mean so much to me. I love how I can tell you anything and everything and you won't judge. Thanks for being there for me whenever I'm down or just a mess. I love how I can say a mean girls phrase and you'll understand what I'm talking about. I'm so excited to continue our friendship in Bellingham. Having a place to ourselves and not being tied down by our parents shall definitely spice up our hangouts (: If you ever need anything, I'm always here for you guys. Except when it comes to cooking and making dance videos. When I move into my new room, we can make new memories and make another post it wall at the apartment. We canstill have sleepovers till we're 25 ! Haha, well anyways LYLAS<3 bye! hahahhahaha.

This will probably take me a while, but it won't hurt to try.

WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

It's the end of a new beginning.

Oh my gosh, I have soooo much to say! I'll start off with my last day of school. It was just so surreal. I couldn't believe this was my last day as a highschooler. As I was signing yearbooks, I realized this was it. These will probably be the last words that they'll remember me for. I'm going to miss so many people so so much. I'm sad that this was my last year in choir, I'm going to miss it soooo much. But, the paper toss took so much stress off. I was so happy to let go of it all.

Senior breakfast. I loved looking back on old times. Everyone has changed whether they realized it or not. Some for the better, and some for the worst. High School has taught me so much about myself and others. I've made so many memories that I'll always cherish. You know who your true friends are when you can look back and see who's still there for you since the start. Thank you Nancy, Jeanine, Aeron, Lester. 

Graduation Day. I honestly couldn't believe I was graduating. I've been waiting for this day for 12 years and now it's finally here. After all my hard work, I made it. The ceremony was long and cold, but it was worth it. I feel so proud of myself for making this far. Congratulations 2010, we made it.

Grad Night. This has seriously been one of the best nights of my life. I loved spending time with all my friends without having to stress about anything. I went to the family fun center and did laser tag, go carts, trampoline, henna tattoos, bumper cars, etc. After that we went to some random club. At first it was a little sketchy, but once we got in, it was so much fun. I sumo wrestled with Nancy, which was so tiring haha. Then we danced and then the best part was the hypnotizing part. Everyone was seriously hilarious, especially Katie. It was so weird, yet funny at the same time. This will be an unforgettable night. Thanks to everyone who made my night amazing. I'm really going to miss you guys, seriously. 

Now Summer. Since this is technically my last summer with everyone before we part, I need to make sure I make it the best. These will be the last few months before going back to sleepless study nights and never ending finals. Goal: Make this the best summer possible!

today was exactly what i needed.

I love that feeling you get when someone makes your day. I was just in a really bad mood today, and someone just had to make it even worse, but then he came along. It's as if he read my mind or something. I hadn't really talked or hung out with him much for the past couple nights so him calling really meant a lot. It felt kind of awkward at first just because it's been awhile. This whole day I kept thinking to myself, maybe his feelings for me are fading, maybe he's bored with me, maybe I don't make him happy, maybe he's mad at me, because I mean he barely talks to me during the day. Laying in his arms really made me feel better. Venting out everything just felt sooo good. It's those little things I really enjoy that make me really happy. I like it when we don't have to worry about pda and everything, I'm not just talking sexually, but emotionally too. There's always that other side of someone that other people don't see. Today we went to the store together and bought ingredients to make spaghetti for dinner, it was good (: We also watched Valentines Day, and I liked it! Of course he had to leave early because of school, but that was fine, I spent just enough time with him (: I'm hoping that we can go on a date this weekend. I'm thinking shopping, dinner, and a movie. I want to get out of town. I want a break from parties and irritations. Everyone wants their romantic days? And besides, I don't feel welcome at his house anyways. In a couple more weeks I'm hoping to get the two of us seattle sounders tickets. I'm going to go broke soon :( haha. Anyways, I hate when I over think things. Everything ended up okay (: 

Change.

  

Sooo my senior prom was last weekend and it was pretty good overall (: Yes, Jason did ask me to prom. I found post its in my car leading me to roses with a post it that said prom on it (: I thought it was cute because I love post its. Anyways, despite the music at prom, I had a really good time with my friends. There was so much yummy foods & the dance looked amazing! It's kind of making me realize that things are really coming to an end. As I'm passing by my friends, you could see how much we've grown up in the past 4 years. In a matter of two weeks, I'll be graduating. It feels really weird. I'm really going to miss everything once I leave. I'll especially miss my underclassmen babies, I've gotten so close to them that they've become some of my really close friends. As for friends, I think things are slowly getting better. I'm trying hard to spend more time with them & talk more, and I think things aren't awkward anymore. I like it that way. But with him... I feel like we don't exactly have much time for each other. Well, just not as much time as we used to. As each quarter goes by, I see less and and less of him. Also because of our work schedules. It's not a huge deal or anything, it's just something that kind of irritates me sometimes. I guess the only time I really spend with him is at parties or with everyone else. I barely even talk to him on the phone anymore. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I mean there are times where I just want to have a good conversation and spend my time with him only. We're not the type to ditch our friends to be alone, but we spend most of our time with all our friends than just the two of us. As dumb as it sounds, I miss truly spending time together. It's kind of hard trying to re-live the past, I find it a little impossible. I'm getting really worried now. I mean, if I already live in the same town as him and I'm already getting upset about not hanging out with him, I can't imagine how things are going to be next year. I could just be over thinking things, maybe things could be changing for the better? I mean... not talking to him as much helps us not argue anymore, that's always good. Another thing about not seeing/talking to him kind of makes him a little more interesting. In a sense I kind of like not being around each other so much just because things aren't so predictable anymore and we don't get annoyed of each other as much. And whenever I do see/talk to him, it makes me even happier. I hope we manage time to see and talk to each other more soon. I don't want to repeat his past. 

who's to blame.

Why is it always my fault? 

Why am I always the one to put to blame? 

I don't even remember the last time you 

asked me
to hangout. If you ever do hangout, it's only with Nancy and Nadija. You only invite Nancy and Nadija. So don't tell me I'm ditching you guys if I'm not even invited. You're always with Nancy. I try inviting you to places, but it's always a "I'll think about it" or you just don't want to be in that type of scene. I hate how you always assume I'm with my boyfriend all the time. It's too bad that I'm actually not with him every second of the day as people think I am. Lately I've been home, or work, or hanging out with my friends. He has work and school too that don't fit perfectly with my schedule either. If I am with him, it's probably after work or the weekends. Maybe we're always together because everyone else is with their bf/gf so we're put aside by ourselves. Not only that, but we hangout with the same friends too. So we're bound to always be around each other. I wasn't trying to ditch you guys or anything, it's just that I feel like you guys isolate me.The reason why I'm not always with you guys is because I feel left out half the time. It also doesn't help that we're going to different colleges. I'm sorry I'm not going to Western. I'm sorry I'm not moving in with you guys. Since Western is all you guys ever talk about, I'm always left out of the convo. Maybe if you just ask me to hangout, I would. I try really hard to stay interested in your life, but you're pushing me away. I always try to ask what'g going on at lunch but it always comes off as being nosy. As much as I hate to admit it, but I feel like we've lost the title of best friends. I mean yeah, you and nancy are, but the three of us aren't.

spring break.

Spring break was seriously amazing. DCON, Oregon tour, and hanging out with all my friends. I had so much more fun than I thought I would have. I'll start off with dcon. Everyone there was just so inspiring to me, just knowing how much of an impact key club has made to millions of people in the world makes me so happy. I loved the enthusiasm everyone had, I loved being surrounded by my closest friends, I loved making new friends and getting to know different cultures. Although waking up early was death, I had like 7 hours of sleep the whole weekend. I watched Glee every night with Nancy (: It's sad that this was my last dcon, I'm definitely going to miss it. I'll always be team 20i <3

Now tour.The atmosphere from dcon was totally different. Not even a million words could explain how much I love my choir. I love how we could talk about anything and everything to each other. We went through a 7 hour drive together, sung together, showered together, shopped together, ate together, cried together, laughed together, it was as if we were a family. I love how everyone is always by your side. I know I can always go to them when something is wrong. I love how caring every single person was. I loved opening up to people knowing they wouldn't judge me. I loved getting to know people I never talked to. I loved getting closer, it only made the bond even stronger. I love getting away for a bit with my choir, we always have those "talks" where you can't help but not cry and vent. I'm seriously going to to miss it, miss them. We've been a group since we were freshman, and pretty soon we'll be doing our own thing. Having 7 hours of sleep the whole weekend was worth it, seriously. After leaving town for half of spring break, I actually loved coming home. Not just catching up on sleep, but seeing him too. I told myself I would try to keep him off my mind and focus on other things. I told myself I wouldn't call/text him during the day but only to say goodnight. I needed to "train" myself for the future. I needed to make sure I'm capable of living without him always by my side, and I thought I did pretty good. It was fun going to Applebees and partying (: It always seems to put people in a better mood. Now that break is finally over, back to school. Lame. Hello starbucks tomorrow morning (: Please do me good & keep me awake for school.

battle.

We've hit that point. I hate to admit it, but there's no going back now. Things just have to change. I can't put it aside anymore. I've kind of always known why I couldn't change for him. I even warned him. With a mentality and lack of self-confidence like mine, everything ends up the same. It's not just relationships, but school and life in general. I've honestly never had a lot of confidence in myself in anything. This isn't a recent thing, I've been this way my whole life. I think the experiences I've been through for the past years have caused that. My mom has always told me I was fat & ugly, therefore I've always been uncomfortable with my body. I try changing that by hiding my flaws with make-up and going to the gym, but even with that I still don't put all of my effort because I already know I'll never be that person I wish I was. I'm full of jealousy, and I'm always one to assume. For someone to ask me to change that, scares me. If I already have that kind of low-esteem of myself, as stupid as it sounds, doing the right thing may be challenging for me. The way I think about myself is really bad... I know it doesn't help my relationship, nor myself, but I can't help it. It's not so much about changing my actions, it's more of changing the way I think. I really do need to do this. For me. Which is really hard because as selfish as I am, I never do things for myself for my benefit, and that's a fact. If anything, I'll do something just to prove someone wrong, it's not much for my benefit, but to show someone I'm capable of doing something. I still want to do this for his benefit too, but most importantly mine, I think I have the right to think that about myself.  There's a lot of goals I've made but have never achieved. Soon enough I'll run out of chances. College isn't a joke. Relationships aren't just crushes anymore. I'm about to lose some of the best chances I'll ever get. Being with him has made me realize how much he means to me, he's just one of those people that you automatically know you can't have walk out of your life. I think I need to work on myself first so that I'll have that confidence to know we can work things out and stay together. I'll make sure he knows it. I think if I had that mentality, then you'd know that I do care, because I do. It hurts to know that you don't think I don't care when I really do, I just don't have even have the high esteem even in myself to prove it to you. I have the fear of trying especially if I already think I'm going to fail. I've had this same problem for school. The reason why I didn't apply for universities was because I knew I wouldn't make it. I barely even think I'm capable of being an obstetrician. But, I'm going to do my best. 

New Goal: Try, and be a better person for not just him, but for me. 

amor.

My weekend had it's ups & downs. Overall, it was pretty good, despite the arguments. On Friday, I had school in the morning, then afterwards Jason treated me out to Olive Garden, the food was amazing as usual. Then for dessert, we went to Cold Stone for my first time, it was really yummy (: Afterwards, we headed back home and me, loren, and nicole made our boyfriends chocolate covered strawberries & cookies. On Saturday, I had to go to work in the morning :( I finally left around 8ish and went to Jared's, we just did boy stuff, lame. I went home early that night because everyone else went to a party, I stayed home and did nothing. Me and Jason fought on the phone again. We've been arguing a lot lately, it sucks. The thing is, we never used to argue. If anything, we'd argue like once every 2 weeks, now it's almost every other day. Anyways, now today, Sunday. Valentines Day. It didn't really feel like Valentines Day, minus the fact that all the restaurants were crowded. I guess I'm just so used to hanging out with Jason so much, that it's become a daily routine. I mean, I don't have a problem spending time together, but I think we should probably space this out. We talked about not going out much anymore, because like I said " we've lost that spark, that exciting feeling " It's not that I don't feel happy going places together, it just feels like another day to me. Today was a little different. Jason & I went on a ferry to Port Townsend for lunch, we went to a restaurant called The Public Restaurant? I ordered the Crabwich. I think that had to of been the best crabcake burger I've ever eaten in my life, it was seriously thaaaat good. It was pretty expensive =| ... Jason spent so much money on me this past weekend, I feel bad =/ I really am a selfish person ... I'm just too blind to notice. I don't think I'll be asking him for stuff for awhile ... I really do appreciate all he's done for me this weekend, this was the first time a guy has ever taken me out on Valentine's Day. I've never really had a real Valentine until today. I'm going to make it up to him for sure, he deserves it. He's really the nicest boyfriend I've ever had, I'm really lucky to have him (: Spending time with him today meant a lot to me. I mean, isn't that the truuue meaning of Valentines Day? Appreciate the one you love. I tried to be the best girlfriend as I could be today, hopefully I didn't screw up this time. I hope he knows that I love him soooo much. 

it's hard to explain.

I feel like we don't have that connection anymore, the way we used to. We haven't exactly changed really, besides the fact that we're more comfortable around each other. I guess we're just growing up. We're so busy with other priorities that we barely even find time for ourselves. I mean yeah we hangout almost everyday, but it's  just not the same anymore. I guess it's our own fault why we can't have our secret hiding spot anymore, but still .. even if we're on the phone, it's silent most of the time. I miss talking for hours, like deep conversations. I don't even remember the last time we've had one of those. I suppose that spark is gone? We're at that point where you're so used to being with each other so long that the lust has faded. I miss it. It's not that we don't love each other anymore, it's just that it's not much of a surprise anymore. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, but I know it's natural. It happens to almost everyone. I just wish it hadn't come so soon. I miss those "first" moments. I'm probably just overreacting right now. I don't know. I feel frustrated. I don't exactly know why. I really am happy & deeply in love with him, I just want our relationship to grow into something bigger, something unexpected. Surprise me. 

goodbye good mood ..

I've found myself pretty stressed lately. I hate it when I start off with a good day, then someone just happens to ruin it, then slowly as the day goes on , people just keep on making it worse. I hate it when I have 100 things to do at once in 1 hour. I hate how I ask such little things, yet nobody does them. I hate not eating for 11 hours. I hate how people yell at me for something I didn't do. I just really dislike Cupid's Song right now.. I think I've spent the last 4 months planning this thing, and the least my OWN choir can do is help out. It's my last year to do this, and I'm already about to hang myself. I'm dreading tomorrow. Yet, very scared. I hope I do well =/

Enough with that..

I'M GOING TO A PARAMORE & RELIENT K. CONCERT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm soooooo excited, they're my favorite bands. I'm watching it with Nancy and Jeanine... at least I think I am? Things have been pretty frustrating though. It's bugging me. I'm trying not to let it get to me though. I just feel like I've been getting treated rudely. If that's even a word? Sometimes I feel like I'm always the one to blame.. even if I didn't do something. The thing that makes me more upset is how they could do the same thing back and it's totally fine. I just don't make that big of a deal of it. 

I just want some ribs, honestly... and a strawberry milkshake. That just might be best thing that could happen to me all week. Well I'm going to bed now, night. 

I'm actually not in a bad mood this time.

So I was looking at a bunch of people's " tumblr's " and I found one about a boyfriend and girlfriend that sleep at each others apartments every single night. Sometimes I wish I could do that, just so that he doesn't have to pick me up in the morning and because I like being in his presence. But most importantly, privacy. Not just sexually, but I mean in everything. But I know if I stayed with my boyfriend every night, it wouldn't be as romantic and perfect as it is in movies. I drool a lot and I snore really loud. It drives him crazy every night. This is why we can't sleep together. Whenever we take naps together I'd lay in his arms and fall asleep and then an hour later we're on the total opposite sides of the bed haha. I like to think far into the future with him because I believe we can make it happen. It's probably a bad thing, but I don't care, a girl can have dreams too. I really want to get a puppy together, as dumb as it sounds, I think it'd be fun. I've already decided that I'm naming him Simba. I want to make microwave dinners for us because I can't cook. I want to order pizza together because I'd end up running out of microwave dinners to make. I'm really not the ideal girl to have. I don't like to clean, I only do my laundry twice a month and I just suck at cooking. But that's just how I am, take it or leave it. 

Bottled up inside.

When it comes to times like this, my mind just goes blank. I know what to say.. sometimes, but it just doesn't come out right, or just doesn't come out at all. I think I'm just too scared to admit my feelings? I'm scared of whatever comes out of my mouth because maybe he'd take it in the wrong way, or maybe I just didn't say it right. It's all just a mess. That's why I'd rather not say anything at all. I know it upsets him, but it's a bad habit I have. I really do love and care about him so much. It sucks how he doesn't believe me, nor trusts me. It's a pretty bad combination. I'm on thin ice right now, every move I make matters. I'm scared to death. But the thing is.. it's ME. Why do I have to be so stupid sometimes.. Why can't I just tell him how I feel.. Why can't I be strong.. Why can't I fight for him, for us.. Why is it so hard for me to change.. I'm probably breaking his heart each day he's with me hoping we'll get better, hoping I'll change. He told me that I don't make him happy. He doesn't deserve that at all. I honestly don't deserve to even be with him right now... he shouldn't be with someone like me. If I can't even make him happy, then what's the point. Just knowing he's hurting inside breaks my heart. I really do need to change, and for him I would, slowly.. But I really can't just let this slide. I'm so close to losing him. I almost did at one point. I thought about going on a break, I thought maybe being apart would help me realize what I could do to solve this. But I was definitely wrong. I didn't see him or talk to him to day after, and I just wanted to break down and cry. I actually did at one point, I couldn't hold it in any longer, the moment he answered the phone I ended up crying in the bathroom. Everything I saw reminded me of him, I just couldn't get him out of my mind. I had to wear a fake smile on my face because it was my best friend's birthday, so I didn't want to ruin her day. He'll never know how much appreciate him. I guess I'm just really bad at showing it. I really do admire all the things he does for me. I take advantage of it sometimes and I don't even realize it. I got another job so that I can treat him with something too. Hopefully I'll be a better girlfriend, Hopefully he'll still love me...?