battle.

We've hit that point. I hate to admit it, but there's no going back now. Things just have to change. I can't put it aside anymore. I've kind of always known why I couldn't change for him. I even warned him. With a mentality and lack of self-confidence like mine, everything ends up the same. It's not just relationships, but school and life in general. I've honestly never had a lot of confidence in myself in anything. This isn't a recent thing, I've been this way my whole life. I think the experiences I've been through for the past years have caused that. My mom has always told me I was fat & ugly, therefore I've always been uncomfortable with my body. I try changing that by hiding my flaws with make-up and going to the gym, but even with that I still don't put all of my effort because I already know I'll never be that person I wish I was. I'm full of jealousy, and I'm always one to assume. For someone to ask me to change that, scares me. If I already have that kind of low-esteem of myself, as stupid as it sounds, doing the right thing may be challenging for me. The way I think about myself is really bad... I know it doesn't help my relationship, nor myself, but I can't help it. It's not so much about changing my actions, it's more of changing the way I think. I really do need to do this. For me. Which is really hard because as selfish as I am, I never do things for myself for my benefit, and that's a fact. If anything, I'll do something just to prove someone wrong, it's not much for my benefit, but to show someone I'm capable of doing something. I still want to do this for his benefit too, but most importantly mine, I think I have the right to think that about myself.  There's a lot of goals I've made but have never achieved. Soon enough I'll run out of chances. College isn't a joke. Relationships aren't just crushes anymore. I'm about to lose some of the best chances I'll ever get. Being with him has made me realize how much he means to me, he's just one of those people that you automatically know you can't have walk out of your life. I think I need to work on myself first so that I'll have that confidence to know we can work things out and stay together. I'll make sure he knows it. I think if I had that mentality, then you'd know that I do care, because I do. It hurts to know that you don't think I don't care when I really do, I just don't have even have the high esteem even in myself to prove it to you. I have the fear of trying especially if I already think I'm going to fail. I've had this same problem for school. The reason why I didn't apply for universities was because I knew I wouldn't make it. I barely even think I'm capable of being an obstetrician. But, I'm going to do my best. 

New Goal: Try, and be a better person for not just him, but for me.