is it possible to save two people at once?

It's weird how just one person can change someone so much ... its unbelievable how love can have such a powerful affect on someone's life. Love can bring people smiles and even tears. Everyday I have this on and off, good and bad feeling. I'm so happy to be with Jason, but the other part of me feels really bad for Michael. Just because he's my ex-boyfriend; that doesn't mean I don't care about him anymore. If it wasn't for him, things probably wouldn't be how they are now. The break-up with Michael is what brought me & jason closer. Ironic huh? I know we've had our bad days, and I know he's said some pretty stupid stuff, but everyone screws up. I always have this horrible feeling inside because of the fact of knowing each day I'm breaking someone's heart and hurting someone everyday. In class, I can tell by the look in his eyes that his heart is aching so bad inside ... because of me. Why is that my happiness is the reason behind his tears? Shouldn't he be happy for me? I don't want to be a selfish person, but why can't I be happy and not feel bad? Why do I have to be in the middle of this? They both want what the other person has, but only one person can be fully satisfied. I'm just one person, I can't be with both of them at once. I'm trying to satisfy both by being in a relationship and being friends at the same time, but it doesn't seem to be working out. The decisions you make really do affect your future, it was because of the decisions he made is what led him to losing me. The day I had to choose who I wanted to trust my heart with, it took me less than 3 seconds to figure out that I'd rather choose Jason over Michael. I guess it was because I knew I could trust him and I knew things would be better. Why is that just that one little decision can do much? What is it about me that's so hard to let go? I don't understand how you can list 100 reasons why you don't like me, yet you're still in love with me. I can understand that it's hard letting someone go, I had to deal with the pain too. But I think what's holding him back is the old memories of me, of how things used to be. I think what he truly wants is to re-live his past, I think he just wants to be happy again .. and I think I'm the reason why he can't be happy again. I don't think he'll ever be happy until he lets go of me .. and lets go of us. I'm not saying he needs to forget the memories, but you can't live in the past forever. I think you should always cherish memories, but not dwell on them. I just want to make not only myself & jason happy, but Michael too. I don't want to hurt Jason because of the fact that I'm trying to make Michael feel better. I don't want Jason thinking I'm going to have feelings for him again. I just want myself, and both of them happy, that's all I really want.

" babe, we'll figure something out, don't worry "

Time is going by so fast. The days just keep getting shorter and my feelings keep getting stronger. Everyday we're together, I try to be with you as much as possible because I don't want to end up regretting not spending enough time with you while you're here. I know that I shouldn't assume things since you don't know where you're heading, but if you do end up going somewhere far away, we're going to have to change a few things. Things will be difficult for us, but I'm willing to make it work. I know we've only been together for 3 weeks, but who knows what 3 weeks could turn into. I don't want to give up on this because guys like you don't come around often, and I'm starting to get attached to you. I'm not sure if that should be a good or bad thing? I guess I'm scared that I'm not going to be worth enough to go through a long distance relationship. I'm not sure if I mean that much to you to keep coming home for all the time. I don't want to be the reason why you can't enjoy the college life because you have a high school girlfriend back at home that you're worrying about. I'm afraid that I'm going to miss you all the time, and I'm afraid that the distance will be the reason why we can't make this work. Things just got started for us, I don't want to end it now. We both don't like short term relationships, I just don't want this to be one of them. Honestly, I think I like you enough to the point where I'd do anything to make sure we'll stay together. I don't want distance or especially someone else getting in the way. I guess you're just as protective of me as I am with you. I know I can always depend on you if I ever am in trouble, that's why I'm glad I'm with a guy who can fight for me (: I just hope that he's strong enough to want to keep what we have going.



don't give up on me yet.

Seattle.

7:00 a.m wake up call. With three hours of sleep, I had to get my butt out of bed and get ready to leave for Seattle. I guess Jeanine, Mia, and I shouldn't have put 239076 pads all over Jason, Ethan, and Manni's stuff last night, otherwise I could of had more sleep. (But I have to admit that it was pretty fun, lol) Anyways, the drive was long, but we finally got there. I watched my boyfriend's basketball game, although they lost .. it was still a good game. Theeeen, we drove around trying to find somewhere to get food. We ended up at some buffet place & then crashed at Clark's house. After a looong nap, it was time to leave for the concert. We kinda got lost, actually we were really lost lol .. but we found the place eventually. But on the way there, Jason, Rico, and I were sitting in the car at a stop light and then 2 girls were crossing the street, we were all quiet & confused as those girls walked by eating thin mints .. we recognized them but we couldn't figure out who they were. But then it finally hit us to realize that it was meg & dia right in front of us lol, we all freaked out. Good Times. I saw some local bands, Anarbor, Every Avenue, Breathe Carolina, Cute is what we aim for, and .. MEG&DIA (; The concert was held at El Corazon, it was a small room but very crowded. I stood in the back with Jason because we didn't want me to get in the middle of any moshpits up front, and plus I'd be too short to see anyways. The music was really good, all of the bands sounded amazing. I recorded & took pictures, but my camera ended up dying =[ But the good news is that I got a picture with Meg&Dia (; That was the first time in my life meeting someone famous. Wow. That's all I have to say. The long drive was definitely worth it. The ride home was ... interesting. We got lost again, except it was worst than the first time since Rico left. Eventually after going to Shell & 711, we found our way home. I had an interesting talk with Jason. I love having deep talks with him, he always has something good to say. After every talk, I learn something new about him. Sometimes I'm scared that if I say how I feel, he might get upset. I think he's scared that I'll leave him for Michael. I wish he didn't think that way because I don't want to lose him and I like him so much, I don't want to replace him. Whenever he's worried about Michael, it just makes me feel like he can't trust me. I know he does, well at least I hope he does, it's just that I don't want him to be skeptical about the situation. I don't know what else I could do or say to prove that I want to be with only him 100%. All I could really do is just hope he believes in me.

" you were a day late & a heartbeat short from love "

I'm sorry. That's all I could really say right now. You were too late, I couldn't wait any longer. I had to move-on. I had to do what was best for myself. I couldn't let myself fall back into your trap again. I couldn't take any more of your tears. I deserved better than that. I found someone that's showed me what true happiness is supposed to feel like. Letting Jason go isn't worth it, I'm not about to lose one of best things because of you. It's your loss, not mine. It's true, love really is blind. You can't see it, but you could feel it. That's what happened between me & you, you were to blind to notice what was in front of you all along, and now you're left with nothing. It's just strange, the way things work out. I guess it was just fate or maybe even karma? I guess this is what you get for all the times you've hurt me. I know that's wrong of me to say that, but I just want you to be happy for me. No matter how bad the situation is, you're going to end up settling into a routine again anyway, so you might as well try and move on, I'm not coming back to you, so why don't try doing something good for yourself, and stop loving me.

" good things come to those who wait "

After everything that's happened within the past few months, I've finally found my way of out the darkness, and found the light that I've been searching for. It took me a long time to believe that I'd actually move on and find someone to put the pieces of my broken heart back together. I found myself finally happy again & back into place, because of you. Who knew that one person can do so much? Every moment spent with you has been amazing. I'm glad that I'm with such a sweet & funny guy like you, I wouldn't want it any other way. You're unlike any guy I've ever met, you're someone I can trust 100%, you're someone I can talk to about anything, you're someone that can make me smile no matter what, you're someone that doesn't judge me for who I am ... you're someone that I'm beginning to fall fast for. I guess you could consider that a good and a bad thing? I mean, I don't want to rush into things with you, actually, I just really don't want to screw things up with you at all. I guess I'm scared of losing that feeling that you give me. I guess I just don't want to get hurt again, like before. I can't even really explain the kinda feeling you give me, I mean, just sitting beside you in your car driving around talking about random things make me happy. Its the little things you do that I admire the most. I appreciate all that you do for me, seriously. Like taking me home everyday, buying me a baja blast, getting me pink roses, talking on the phone with me even though you're tired, walking me to class, etc. There's really no need to impress me, I don't care if you don't take me out to expensive restaurants & buy me diamonds, I'd be happy with chicken nuggets & socks (: I'm just really happy we're together. I'm glad I took the risk of telling you how I felt, because it was worth it. Imagine how things would of ended up if we kept in these feelings any longer than we already did. I know being with each other isn't exactly what we planned, but I like how things turned out in the end. At first, I was scared & confused, but the moment you said " wow .. what if i told you that ... idk, sometimes that's how i feel too .. ? " I felt so happy & relieved. You saved me from another heartbreak. I'm glad we took this day by day because we gained more trust in each other & built such a close bond together, now things aren't as awkward as they were like before. I guess going to all those parties were worth it, because then we would of never had our first kiss [x I'll never forget that. But despite the awkwardness that went on with our friends & ex's, things are finally good again. There's less tension whenever they're around, I'm really glad we're all okay with each other. I wouldn't want to lose another friend out of my life. Hopefully things will remain this way.