" no matter what happens, i'm going to be there hold your hand through everything, i promise. "

I haven't written in awhile, well at least it feels like it's been awhile for me. I don't really know why I write on here because I know people won't read it. Probably because I choose not to expose myself, or well my feelings to the world. There's just certain things that I like to keep to myself sometimes. Like today. No one knows what I'm talking about except me and Jason. I won't explain the situation, but I just need to get these emotions out of my head before I start to breakdown again. I'm scared to death. I don't know what to do with myself, with us, with "it"? I'm praying to God, hoping he'll choose the best thing for me, for us. I'm trying not to blame myself for the situation I'm in right now, but it's kind of hard not to. Just thinking about throwing away not only my hopes & dreams away, but his too, just breaks me heart, and knowing I'd be the biggest disappointment to my friends and family just kills me. I'm not capable of living my life with this. This is something I'll forever regret. Fuck. I hate this. I hate being given choices that all seem to suck. Oh no... It's coming back. I can't hold it in anymore. Tears are pouring out my eyes as I'm writing this. The possibilities of what could happen are endless. I'm hoping for just one outcome. Please God, help us? I can't let the one I love sacrifice his life for me. I can't let him go, I refuse to, and I damn sure won't be the one leaving him. I couldn't do that to him. I love him so much that I'd rather go through the hardships alone, rather than watch him put his life on the line. I wish there was an easy way out. I hope everything will be okay. I hope I'll do the right thing. I hope there's still a happy ending.