i've been meaning to write for a long time, it's just that i haven't been home long enough to do it. i'm not a fast writer, i like to take my time. but anyways, my fourth of july was really good actually. the weather was amazing, and being with my friends & boyfriend was theee best to say the least. today i watched jason's basketball game, unfortunately they lost by 10 points. after the game we got some food at this cute diner & then went to the mall again. damn, i love being with him, whether i'm just sitting in the car with him or just laying around doing nothing, i'm just ... so happy being with him. i wish he knew how much he means to me. i wish he knew how happy me makes me. i wish he knew how much i like him. i wish i could prove him wrong. i feel so stupid not knowing what to do or say to him. when it comes to this subject, i guess my mind goes blank whenever he's around. it's kind of weird because i could go on writing so much about him, but when we're together, i can't say a word. fuck. here i go talking about him again. i can't help it though sometimes. lately he's all that's been on my mind. it scares me sometimes because i'm afraid of repeating my past mistakes. i had a sleepover with nasty & fluffy a few days ago. they were already at fluffy's house by the time i got there, but i can tell from the moment i walked in, they weren't in a good mood. it took me awhile to think of why they'd be mad. eventually i asked nancy, she told me jeanine was mad at me because i'm always with jason. i couldn't deny it because i knew it was true. they didn't know what was going on between me and jason. so they don't understand why i've been with him everyday these past few weeks. i'm scared that if i'm not with jason, he'll get worried again. he still doesn't trust me enough to let me off on my own. who knows how long it'll take till i gain back his trust again. but if that means not spending time with my best friends until then, i don't know if i could do that. i just wish he'd believe me, so this wouldn't be a hassle. not only am i worrying about losing his trust, but my best friends too? i hate having to choose sides. it's like a win&lose situation. no matter what i choose, i'm letting someone down in the end. or just myself. i can't bare to have that happen again. my best friends mean to world to me, and having them be disappointed in me, is probably one of the worst feelings i could ever feel. but also having my boyfriend not believing in me, is a pretty big downfall. this pretty much sucks. i don't want to have to choose. i don't think this is one of those situations where i should choose one. i'm not about to let someone down again. i'd rather let myself down, rather than them. i'm hoping i could manage both so that i don't have to choose sides. i hope i'm improving just a little bit? i hope i'm gaining at least some trust back?
No comments:
Post a Comment